


no hope, no love, no glory

by TheItalianSalad97



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternative Timeline, Codependency, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia (kind of), Past Relationship(s), Please Don't Hate Me, Psychological Trauma, Slightly AU (?), Straight Sex (because apparently that's a trigger), This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unhealthy Relationships, psychological shit cause I love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-24 06:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20353819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheItalianSalad97/pseuds/TheItalianSalad97
Summary: It goes like this: Alex Morgan wins her second World Cup, walks down a dangerous path, uncovers old wounds and old lovers, looks for redemption and finds her true self in the process.Alex always says that one day, one day she will find a reason to hate Christen Press but that day never comes and Alex fears it never will. It’s a universal truth - you can try all you want but you can’t hate angels.





	1. hope

**Author's Note:**

> Well.
> 
> a) the author is a poor Italian College student experimenting with their writing and with new pairings and couples - please have mercy.  
b) the author apologises for eventual grammar mistakes and bad spelling - we're all trying to learn something here. Point them out and I'll correct them.  
c) the author apologises if the Preath stans (or whatever that's called) find this offensive - we can't always have nice things but luckily enough no one's forcing you to read this. 
> 
> Have a nice day, take care of yourself, be good and all that. Bye.

**when I saw you, I was afraidto meet you.**

**when I met you, I was afraid to kiss you.**

**when I kissed you, I was afraid to love you.**

**now that I love you, I’m afraid to lose you.**

rene yasenek.

**I’ve never felt this way before,**

**everything that I do reminds me of you.**

**and the clothes you left - they lay on the floor**

**and they smell just like you,**

**I love the things that you do.**

**when you walk away, I count the steps that you take,**

**do you see how much I need you right now?**

avril lavigne, when you’re gone.

**and if you hurt me, well that’s okay, baby,**

**only words bleed.**

ed sheeran, photograph_._

Alex won’t lie. She’s been planning this, maybe for years or for months or for a lifetime - it doesn’t matter. 

From the moment she realised just how intoxicated, how far gone she was, she knew exactly what she was gonna do. She thanks (and curses) the alcohol and the adrenaline and the exaggerate partying that comes with winning the Women’s World Cup for the second time in a row, because if this was just another normal Sunday, she would never ever think about doing something like this - of pulling this kind of juvenile shit that she’s most definitely left behind herself. She’s a married woman, a serious pro athlete, and she’s firmly convinced that her days of day drinking and being banned from Disneyland are over - or at least, this is what she tells herself and her family and most of all, what she says in front of the microphone. 

As she stumbles back into her hotel’s room with Serva, feeling as if there’s more alcohol than blood running through her veins, she feels like she’s the most lucky woman in the world and at the same time, she feels disgusting for what she’s planning to do. 

She knows Serva loves her. His arms are firm and gentle around her hips as they lay down on the bed together, holding each other tightly, high on spirits and happiness from the victory. Alex also knows she loves him back, to some degree. The truth is, women are liars and they never love someone as much as they say they do. It’s impossible to do so, in a world like this one, and it doesn’t matter how sweet and respectful a man can be, a woman can never forget - not the injustices, not the judgment and the mistreating.

Serva loves her and fears her like all men love and fear what they don’t understand. He loves her, respects her and he’s just a gentle, kind soul that for how much Alex tries not to, she can’t help but step onto. Alex didn’t buy her talent, it was already inside of her, and it has its own life and Alex has learned how to live with it and all the people around her did, too. Her talent is the elephant in the room, in the bed she shares with her husband, the thing they don’t talk about because how could a simple man actually be at peace with the fact that his wife has more talent and strength that he ever will? - this talent of hers is the blessing and the curse that made her marriage and constantly threatens to unfold it. 

Clothes are quickly discarded and Alex laughs and smiles, drunk on love and regrets, as Serva kisses her neck and tickles her sides. Her mouth must taste awful, beer and champagne and whatever alcoholic drink she found around. Her skin is filthy, clammy with sweat and confetti spry and turf rashes. Serva whispers in her ear how proud he’s of her, how good she’s played, that her feet’ve been blessed by God but those words wash all over Alex as if they’re water. And so, she shuts him up. Alex takes his face in her hands and pushes her tongue into his mouth and she whispers, begs him to fuck her. I want you, she says, and she’s not lying, but she’s not telling the truth either. He’s hard and warm in between her legs and Alex’s so terribly wet that she feels no stretch at all when he thrusts inside of her. She wraps her legs around Serva’s hips and digs her nails into his ass, all hungry, angry and happy at the same time. Alex licks at his neck and they both smile as Serva caresses her cheek with one hand, brushing sweaty hair away from her forehead. Alex kisses him once again and then pushes his head down on her chest. She arches her back when Serva’s mouth finds her nipple. She turns her head and she moans and pants, her inner walls contracting. She can’t help but stare at the golden trophy on her nightstand; all the tears and the sacrifices, all of the sweat and the endless and painful workouts and the heartache and the desperation - all leading up to this moment, worth of this trophy. 

As she comes, Alex reaches out with her hand and touches the smooth gold and she feels invincible, untouchable.

Alex Morgan is a coward, breaker of hearts and hopes, too skilled for her own good, unapologetic, but she’ll be dining with the Gods themselves tonight - she’s sitting on top of the fucking world, tonight. 

Later, she lays her head on Serva’s chest, listening to his heartbeats as she waits for him to fall asleep. He’s luckily a heavy sleeper. When she’s sure that he’s under, Alex slowly slips out of his embrace. Her legs feel like jello and she has to use the edge of the bed as support. There’s still cum dripping down her thighs but she’s too drunk to care. Alex slips on her jeans in the dark, hoping she’s not wearing them backwards; she checks the back pockets to be sure that the two magnetic hotel’s key cards are still there. One is her room’s and the other one, she stole it from their manager’s backpack during the party because nobody pays attention to hotel key cards when you’ve just won a World Cup. 

Alex gets out of the room trying to make as less noise as she possibly can and she’s probably being way too careful, giving how loud Serva’s snoring, but fear can do things even to the bravest of women. It’s quiet down the corridor; all of her teammates have probably collapsed in their rooms, too drunk and confused to actually remember who their assigned roommate is. 

They’re a family, though, so it doesn’t matter much. 

Alex stumbles down the corridor and only when she passes a mirror, she realises that she’s forgotten to put a shirt on and that she’s been wandering around with only her bra on. She hides behind a corner when she spots Ashlyn, Ali and Megan trying to work Ashlyn’s room door open as they giggle uncontrollably. Megan’s movements are sloppy as hell and Ash’s too busy making Instagram stories with her phone to pay attention but with Ali’s help they eventually manage to literally fall into the room. As the door closes, Alex has to wonder as to why Sue would let a drunk and wild Megan run around instead of having her on a tight leash, and most of all in her own room. Guess she’ll never find out, not when Alex herself is about to betray that rule. She waits for a few seconds before going back to her mission; she doesn’t want anyone to know about this - this is her secret to bear, the one she’s bore for years like a heavy cross on her back, a ton of bricks on her chest.

Tobin’s room is number 410. Alex hesitates. She puts her ear against the door, hoping to pick up some kind of sound but it’s all vain. She bites her tongue, the inside of her cheek. Her skin is itchy and Alex rubs at the back of her head and then at her eyes and a layer of black make up stick to her hand. She must look like death. 

Alex robbed one of her manages, she stole a key card double for this and she’s not going to back up now. She’s going to woman up and she’s going to just do this, once and for all, because she needs peace, too. At some point, even superheroes need their own merciful (and perhaps undeserved) serenity.

Alex slides the card into the lock. The small light turns green and the door unlocks, opening of just a few inches. Alex licks her lips because this, whatever she’s doing, is probably illegal, somewhere, and she’s going to face the consequences. Nevertheless, this is her plan and if there’s one thing that is sure as death, is that Alex Morgan doesn’t give up, whether it is her soccer career or breaking and entering. 

The room is dark. There’s clothes and bags scattered everywhere, as if some kind of nuclear weapon has exploded in the room. The stench is revolting, sweat and stillness and vomit and sex. Alex nearly trips over one of Tobin’s Nikes. There’s two empty bottles of champagne right by the bed and Tobin’s phone half hidden inside the other half of her pair of new Nikes. 

(Alex dreads to know it, but she’s so attentive to every detail of Tobin’s life, although keeping as far away from her as she can, that she always knows when Tobin’s wearing something new). 

Tobin’s always been messy, her artsy and tomboy attitude were one of the things that made Alex furious; she was always telling Tobin to grow up and when eventually Tobin did, when eventually she found her roots after so much time spent wandering, Alex didn’t want her anymore, Alex left, because that’s what she does better - winning and leaving and destroying things. Whatever living thing Alex Morgan touches, it dies.

Life has somehow convinced Alex Morgan that she can have everything, and when she doesn’t get what she wants, she can’t stand it. But human beings are not things and they can’t be owned or bought with the money Alex makes and Tobin is definitely one of the things that Alex cries about losing the most.

Look at Tobin Heath now, glorious in her tanned skin, in her sculptured and strong but yet somehow feminine body, laying naked in bed with a woman who’s most definitely not Alex Morgan.

Tobin’s on her back, stripped to her bra, all shaved and smooth skin. The inside of her thighs glistens in the dark, wet with sweat and cum. One arm is hanging off the bed as the other one is stretched out, serving as a pillow for Christen Press who’s all curled up on her side in a cocoon of blankets right next to her. Tobin’s long hair fall all over her face and her shoulders and her chest and Alex is dying to just run her hand through it, to just brush her nose against Tobin’s neck; she wants to get drunk on Tobin’s smell once again, one last time. 

She once used to. Once, she was allowed so many things.

Alex moves slowly, trying not to make any noise, most of all to avoid waking Christen up. Christen. Alex always says one day, one day she will find a reason to hate Christen Press but that day never comes and Alex fears it never will. It’s a universal truth - you can try all you want but you can’t hate angels. 

She navigates around the bed until she reaches Tobin’s side. Alex kneels down so that her face’s on the same level of Tobin’s.

“Tobin” she whispers. “Tobin, wake up”.

Tobin stirs a little and Alex throws a worried look over at Christen, but she look even deader to the world than Tobin. And so Alex tries again, but this time she also jostles Tobin’s arm a little.

“Tobin” she repeats, raising her voice. “Wake up, come on”. 

And then, Tobin’s eyelids tremble a little and eventually Alex’s greeted by those big chestnut eyes and she nearly fucking passes out because she’s drunk and she hasn’t been this close to Tobin in what feels like a lifetime and she doesn’t remember the midfielder’s eyes being this warm and beautiful. 

Tobin blinks a few times, confused, trying to tell if this is all a bad dream or the real life.

“Alex?” She croaks out, groggily. 

“Will you come with me?” Alex says. “I want to talk”. 

Tobin rubs at her eyes with the hand that’s not cradling Christen’s head and she finally puts Alex’s face in focus. Alex, who is actually in her room in the middle of the fucking night. Alex who twerked during the entire party, drank champagne like it was water and who then proceeded to leave the party on the arm of her husband.

“T-Talk?” Tobin stutters. “My room… H-How did you get in?”. 

“I stole a key card” Alex answers, honestly. 

Tobin frowns. “A key card?” She repeats, trying to get this drunk fog to leave her mind because this is serious matter, now. This is… This is just a huge mess, something that was never supposed to happen. 

Alex wraps her hand around Tobin’s arm and tries to get her out of the bed. 

“Come with me”.

“I’m not going anywhere with you” Tobin angrily replies, trying to control her voice. “Get off me and get the hell out of my room”. 

Alex shakes her head. “No” she says, stubbornly, because Tobin should know better than this. When Alex puts herself into something, she does it come hell or high water. “Please, Tobin. Come with me. I’ll buy you something to eat. I want to talk”. 

(She has no money on herself but if money could buy Tobin’s affection back, Alex would buy her the entire world). 

Tobin pushes her away. “You’re insane” she says. 

“I definitely am” Alex nods. “Please, Tobin. Please. Just this once”. 

It must be the desperation in her voice that somehow convinces Tobin to give in. She turns to Christen and slowly drags her arm away from under Press’s neck. Christen stirs a little and turns in her cocoon of blankets but she doesn’t wake up. Tobin rolls out of bed and crawls around in the darkness until she finds her boxers and a t-shirt. Alex has to bite her lips because seeing Tobin in canonically male underwear has always done unspeakable things to Alex’s hormones. It’s a high, the rush of a memory that Alex always brings with her. She’s always had this thing going on, Tobin, going back and forth between being the most beautiful and feminine woman Alex has ever seen and the tomboy’s facade she just can’t seem to shake - all these issues about appearance that Alex has never had to face and that she quite never understood why she was attracted to in the first place. 

They leave Christen in the bed and make their way out of the room. They end up in the hallway and Tobin moans and takes her head in her hands and before Alex can say anything, Tobin is already bent in half, throwing up into one of the trashcans in the corridor. 

“Oh, man” Tobin moans, wiping her mouth with her t-shirt. 

Tobin doesn’t look at Alex once, but she does follow her down the hallway. Alex keeps walking until she finds this little corner hidden in between the wall and the emergency exit. They’ll be out of sight here, safe. Alex rests her back against the wall and Tobin positions herself in front of her and for just a little while, neither of them speaks. 

They used to be so close, attached at the hip; now they can’t even bear to look the other in the eyes. 

Tobin is waiting for Alex to say something but Alex is just so drunk and so confused and frustrated that she opens her mouth and what comes out is the wrongest thing that has ever come out of her stupid smart mouth.

“Did you fuck her?”. 

Tobin frowns. “Who? Christen?”.

Alex nods and she feels this fury suddenly mounting inside of her. “Yes. Are you having sex with her? You’re always all over her. Is she your girlfriend?”. 

“That’s none of your fucking business” Tobin replies. 

Tobin’s so private and so shy, totally awkward when she’s out of the field. Alex feels possessed whenever she’s around her and it’s like Tobin makes her lose all of the self-control she’s worked so hard for. Alex has no inhibitions left. She lunges for Tobin, attacks her mouth with her own. Alex tries to wrap her arms around Tobin’s waist and ruts against Tobin’s naked leg like some kind of horny dog and she’s disgusted with herself but she can’t stop. Of course Tobin pushes her away, strong arms and hands pushing against her chest.

“Get the fuck off me” Tobin says. “What is wrong with you?”. 

Alex’s rarely seen Tobin this angry. Tobin wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and looks away.

“I’m sorry” Alex whispers. “Is she better than me?”. 

“Of course she is” Tobin spits back. “She actually cares about me and she doesn’t treat me like shit. She’s good to me and she’s good _for _me”. 

“Do you love her?”.

Tobin shrugs, “Yeah, I might. This could really go somewhere and-. Fuck, I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. It’s not like you deserve any explanation”. 

Alex rubs at her eyes. Her stomach hurts. “Tobin”. 

“Look, I don’t want to do this. I’m going back to my room” .

Tobin starts to leave.

“Wait” Alex says, and grabs Tobin’s arm. 

“Don’t touch me”.

Alex releases her. “Alright” she says, “I’m sorry. When I left Portland, you grew so cold toward me. You stopped texting me back, answering my calls-“.

“Cold?” Tobin interrupts. “Alex, I begged you not to go. You knew very well I had feelings for you, hell, I was in love with you, and you stomped all over me without even looking back once”. 

“You started this” Alex replies. “You started ignoring me. What was I supposed to do? I adapted”. 

“I didn’t start shit, dude” Tobin says. “It was you”. 

“Me?” Alex nearly yells. “I cheated on my fiancé with you for months. You were my best friend, you weren’t the only one who had feelings, I-“.

“You got married, Alex!” Tobin lashes out, furious, and Alex realises that she’s crying.

Tobin is crying and there’s no sadder sight than this one. Alex’s heart never got used to this. It hurts her, physically, to see Tobin crying and it hurts her even harder when Alex knows she’s the cause of it. 

“I begged you to stay in Portland with me. You said you wanted to call the engagement off, that you wanted to keep playing for the Thorns and be with me and then when I asked you to chose you went and got married and made yourself get traded to Orlando to stay with you fucking new husband” Tobin says, sobbing, furiously rubbing at her bloodshot eyes. 

Alex swallows. “It’s what I had to do, my duty toward the people who sacrificed so much for me”. 

“Yeah? And I guess you wanted the full ride, uh, the husband and the lesbian lover? Well, you can’t have both, Alex. I’m a person, I’m not a toy”. 

Alex tries to defend herself, “I never-“.

“I was your best friend and your mistress, your dirty secret” Tobin says, shaking her head, her cheeks red for the heat and the tears, “I let you do whatever stuff you wanted to me, Alex. You had your tongue, your fingers and your fist inside of me and when you were done, you just tossed me away, like some cheap fuck-doll. Do you have any idea how that felt like, ho much it hurt?”. 

Alex breaks down in sobs. “Tobin” she moans. “I-“.

“That’s not how love’s supposed to work. You never loved me” Tobin whispers. 

They’re here, in the greatest night of their athletic careers and they’re wasted, drunk and defeated by their own desires and dreams. Tobin sinks down to the floor. She rests her back against the wall and hides her face behind her hands. 

“You’re toxic for me” Tobin says. “Love’s supposed to make you happy and you can’t do that. You can only make yourself happy. Christen respects me and treats me like I deserve to be treated”. 

Alex kneels down in front of Tobin.

“I did love you” she whispers. “So much, Tobin. You have no idea. I love you right now and I never stopped wanting you. I want you so bad, Tobin. I want to be good for you, too, I want us to go back to be best friends. All these years without you-“.

“No” Tobin stops her, shaking her head. “This is the consequence of your actions and choices. You can’t demand anything of me”. 

“I don’t” Alex nods. She slowly brings her hands to Tobin’s hips and rubs up and down over the t-shirt, loving to finally feel Tobin’s body under her hands once again. “I want to make peace, to be better. We played so well together in this World Cup, why can’t we go back to be friends? I want it so much”. 

“Stop” Tobin says. “You don’t want that. You just want to fuck me”. 

“No, Tobin, I-“.

“You want me only because I’m a closeted lesbian woman who’s good at playing soccer and for some reason you get off on that but-. I’m not some sexual fantasy, I’m a human being”. 

“I know you’re not” Alex tries, but Tobin shakes her head. 

“I’ve let you have me once and you broke my heart. I’m done pulling my pants down for people like you, crushing on straight girls who just want to touch me to know how it feels like… I’m done, Alex. Seriously”. 

Tobin pushes Alex away and this time there’s even more conviction and mean to her gesture. She wants Alex to get away from her and to just stay away, keep intact the distance that has naturally grown between the two of them. Tobin crawls away from Alex, and then stumbles on her feet. Alex watches as Tobin walks away from her, once again, and once again it’s all her fault. 

Alex’s stomach clenches and she throws up right there on the hotel’s carpet. She’s so out of it that she passes out right next to her own pool of vomit. 

It’s 4:00am and whoever said that that there’s glory among winners was deadly wrong. There’s no glory among champions, at all - only loss. 

Alex has no idea how, but the next morning she wakes up in her room, in her own bed, with Serva sleeping next to her. It’s only until breakfast, when Lavelle carefully sits down beside her and confess of having found her passed out in the hallway, that she understands. She doesn’t remember absolutely anything except for her disastrous conversation with Tobin, but she does believe Rose when the younger girl says that she was the one who escorted Alex back to her room at around 5:22 in the morning. 

Alex feels awful. She feels like the monster that she is. Her stomach is tangled in a knot but she forces herself to eat anyways. When it’s time to leave, she slips her sunglasses on, kisses Serva goodbye and then plasters this terribly fake smile on her face for the cameras. She smiles and laughs out loud and hangs all over Allie and Pinoe, cuddling the trophy in her arms as if it was her own child, and she keeps as far away from Tobin as she can. Alex just plainly ignores both Tobin and Christen, but mostly Tobin because now that she’s spent the last three years doing it, she’s definitely a pro at it. With Christen is harder because Christen is just too pure, unscarred and also because Alex feels this kind of maternal instinct toward her that she just can’t repress. And so when Christen smiles at her, Alex smiles back and ignores Tobin’s contrite look from behind Christen. 

Before boarding the plane, Alex’s stomach is so unsettled, hurting so much, that she nearly passes out in the bathroom. Instead, she just waits for her few teammates to get out and then pulls her bottles of painkillers and antidepressants out of her bag. She always brings a stash with her because she never knows what’s going to happen to her during tournaments. She could get hurt pretty badly, she could hit her head, she could simply lose it - this time is the latter; Alex’s pretty sure she’s lost it completely. 

Her hands shake so bad as she brings the painkillers to her mouth; she swallows down the pills, without water. When she gets out of the bathroom, Ash hands her a glass of beer, all smiles and giggles and Alex just can’t find it in herself to decline. Frankly, she doesn’t even want to. She cuddles up on of the plastic chair with the trophy and her glass of beer and only thinks about having a good time. 

Alex tries her best to keep her distance from Tobin because there’s already enough attention on the distance that there’s between them that Alex fears what a picture of them actually interacting after so long could cause. Eventually she bends to her own guts, though. She approaches Tobin in a moment of confusion, as they’re passing through the metal detectors, before boarding their flight. Christen gets distracted by something JJ is telling her and momentarily leaves Tobin’s side and Alex takes advantage and slowly slips right next to Tobin with the excuse of checking on her own bag. Tobin’s hiding behind her sunglasses and her snapback, all comfy and soft in t-shirt and sweatpants, and Alex can’t stop the jealousy that squeezes her heart. She’s jealous, because Christen gets to have this, Tobin in her comfy clothes, in between her legs, goofy smiles and soft skin, whenever she wants. Christen gets to have this and all Alex Morgan has is fame and money and a husband that she can’t bring herself to fully love. 

(Alex also has her mother cheering for her, supporting and loving her, while Christen doesn’t have that anymore and every time Alex feels jealous of Christen, she tells herself to just go and jump from the highest building she can find because ungrateful bitches like her don’t deserve glory).

“I’m sorry about last night” Alex whispers, keeping her eyes on her bag. 

“Stay away from me” Tobin says. “And leave Christen alone, please”. 

Alex frowns. “I would never go after her. I care about her”. 

Tobin sucks her bottom lip in her mouth. “I don’t know what you’re capable of anymore. Just let us be”. 

Alex nods. “Okay. I just wanted to apologise”. 

“Yeah, fine, whatever, as long as you stay away” Tobin says, and then she grabs her bag and leaves. 

Alex watches her as she high-fives a few children that have gathered in front of the gate and who are cheering for them. Tobin disappears, soon followed by Christen. Alex takes a deep breath and she blinks once, twice. When she turns, she makes an effort and smiles. She waves at the kids and the fans and just goes on with her charade.

Tobin’s nursing the worst hangover of her life. She lies and says she won’t ever drink like this again; she swore the same thing four years ago and that didn’t work very well, either. She’s confident in her physical resistance and in her liver of steel, though (if her liver still exists and hasn’t melt down with all that alcohol). 

She tries to sleep a little, on the plane, but it’s hard. The girls are all hyped, yelling, and Pinoe, Alex and Kelley are still drinking since what feels like 1995 and it doesn’t seem like they’re gonna stop anytime soon, Kelley’s concussion be damned. Tobin dozes in between consciousness and dream, the only reassurance being Christen’s hand on her knee, her thumb gently rubbing circles over her sweatpants. Just when she thinks she is about to fall asleep for good, Ali yells so loudly about Ash pinching her in the ass that Tobin just gives up on it altogether. 

“They’re being loud, I’m sorry” Christen softly giggles. 

Tobin shrugs and smiles at her. She places her hand on top of Christen’s and gives it a quick squeeze. Then, she fixes the snapback on her head and takes off her sunglasses. Her eyes are all bloodshot and sticky and Tobin wonders how she’s going to pull off appearing in front of all the cameras and the press and doing interviews when they finally land.

“Yeah” she nods. “It’s not like I’d planned on actually sleeping, though”. 

Christen laughs, running a hand through her long black hair. 

“How are you doing?” Tobin asks her, hiding a yawn behind her hand. 

Christen smiles. “I’m great” she says. “The only sober one, remember?”. 

“Right” Tobin nods, giggling. “You and that bottle of water, man”. 

“Someone had to look after you crazy kids” Christen comments. She moves her hand and runs her fingers through Tobin’s hair, before resting it on her shoulder. Tobin smiles with happiness and pride over their latest achievement but in her mind, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. In her mind, she’s sad for Christen’s mother, who will never get to congratulate her daughter on winning another World Cup, and even though her Christian spirit pushes her to believe that Christen’s mom is most definitely proudly looking down at her daughter, Tobin also knows that her faith is not doing so great, lately. In her mind, she can’t stop repeating Alex’s words from last night on loop, no matter what she does or how much she tries to shut her out. Alex’s like the plague: you can’t run from her, and Tobin knows that better than anyone.

Christen knows her well enough to realise that something’s wrong with her. 

“You look worried” she says. 

Tobin shrugs and slides down in her seat. She wants to make herself small, possibly disappear. 

“I’m okay” she says. “It’s just-. My head hurts”. 

Christen smiles, fondly, and she brushes a few strands or rebel locks away from Tobin’s face. “Well, that’s what happens when you drink too much, they tell me”. 

“Oh, man, definitely” Tobin sighs, moving around in her seat until she’s partially on her side, face fully turned toward Christen, who’s staring back at her with matching fondness and intent. 

Christen is so different from Alex, so healthier. She’s the clean slate, the fresh start,peaceful walks down the seashore at sunset whereas Alex is torture and torment, a frenzy of chaos and instability. Tobin considers herself a very calm person. That’s just how she is, shy and calm, nerves of steel - she’s ‘chill’ as her teammates so kindly put it. Christen is just like her and that’s why they get along so well, within and without the bed or the field; they’re so attuned to each other and they get each other and Christen is everything Tobin has ever wished and prayed for from the moment she found out she liked girls. And then, there’s Alex - and Tobin will never confess about the wild thrill that being with Alex gives her because it makes her feel ashamed. Alex drives her up the wall, Alex made her the other woman and Tobin just said, Fine whatever, and betrayed her own believes and all of that her parents have taught her - all for Alex, all for those chills down the spine and for the rush of adrenaline to the head that Alex can give her. 

“I liked last night” she tells Christen, keeping her voice down. 

Christen briefly hides behind her hair and then smiles and she’s so beautiful. “I did, too. We should go for part two”. 

“More like part fifty or something” Tobin jokes and even though her head is screaming at her for laughing, Tobin just can’t help herself. 

Christen punches her shoulder, lightly. Then, she gets more serious. “Tobin, will you tell me if something is bothering you?”. 

Tobin swallows and rubs at her eyes. “I want to tell you”.

“You don’t have to if-“.

“No, I do” Tobin stops her, tangling her fingers up with Christen’s. “Just, not here. When we get off the plane, maybe?”. 

Christen nods and rubs the back of her hand. 

The world doesn’t know about them. It speculate, of course. They’re close and they’re always finding each other, constantly sitting together on trips and hugging it out on the field. The team does know, though. It’s inevitable. The team lives as one; they sleep, eat, shower, go to the bathroom and they even have sex together and there’s no secrets among them. They respect each other’s privacy and if someone doesn’t want to talk about something then they don’t but everything is out. There’s no space for skeletons in the closet in a job such as this one. 

Tobin is no Ashlyn or Ali or Megan and she’s definitely not Kelley who, unbothered, just had the balls to come out in front of the whole world after winning the World Cup; nor she or Christen are out and Tobin believes she herself won’t be in the foreseeable future either. She doesn’t need to be. Her family knows and God knows and that’s all that matters to her. So, she quietly looks around, checking for anyone making videos with their phones or just watching in their direction, before she tilts her head a little and presses her lips against Christen’s. She smiles a little into the kiss before drawing back into her seat. 

Christen warmly smiles back at her. 

“Yo, Tobs. Drink up” Kelley sputters, appearing next to them. She has a plastic glass of beer in her hand, which she’s promptly offering to Tobin with this huge grin all over her face. 

“Dude, how are you not dead yet?” Tobin jokes, but she does accept the gift. “You’re concussed”. 

Kelley bends down to ruffle Christen’s hair and then she shrugs.

“You only live once, Tobs. Only once”. 

Tobin eventually spills to Christen, of course. She’s promised and so she does, because she always keeps her promises. After the arriving ceremony, in NY, and their cameo on Good Morning America, they finally can catch a break for lunch and then they have the rest of the day free. 

Tobin discretely sees Alex and Kelley going for the roof pool with a few of the girls. Kelley actually asks if she wants to tag along but Tobin politely refuses, saying she wants to just get a few hours of sleep, which is not exactly untrue. Alex doesn’t even look at her in the eyes as Tobin speaks with Kelley. She stares down at her phone, probably texting Servando or something. 

“Aw, bummer. Well, you take a good nap, alright?” Kelley says, bumping her elbow with Tobin’s. 

“Sure” Tobin nods. “You don’t drink too much, uh?”. 

“I’ll try” Kelley laughs. She blows Tobin a kiss and then hops into the elevator. Alex’s right behind her.

Before the elevator’s doors close, Alex’s blue eyes find Tobin’s dark ones. Alex looks guilty, as she should be, but also unapologetic and Tobin clenches her jaw so hard it hurts, restraining herself from just going and punching the crazy out of Alex. 

Tobin goes back to her room. Christen’s on the phone with her father and Tobin waits for her to finish her phone call by juggling a little with her ball. She mostly tries not to break anything, but she always does have fun with a ball at her feet. Before Christen hangs up, Tobin passes over her greetings to Christen’s dad and family, with which she’s grown so close to in the last few years and especially so after Christen’s mother passed away.

“So, what should we do?” Christen asks. “Take a walk, nap, have sex, hang out with the others or watch some TV and eat junk food?”. 

“Oh, fuck, I’d love some junk food right now” Tobin moans, stopping the ball with her feet. 

“We can call room service”. 

Tobin thinks about it and then she comes out with what, in her head, sounds like a good plan. 

“Harry always told me about this pizza place around here” she says. “Said it was real good. Wanna go check it out?”. 

“Sure” Christen nods, enthusiastically. 

Tobin quickly texts Allie, asking her about more precise directions on the whereabouts of this place, whilst Christen gathers her wallet and stuff and puts them into her bag. Tobin leaves the ball and throws on a clean tank top. She grabs the room’s key card and then grabs her purse. 

“Ready?”.

“Let’s roll” Christen replies, shoving Tobin out of the room, laughing. 

They briefly hold hands on the elevator. In the lobby, Christen informs their security team about their plans and eventually they have to agree on taking at least one man with them, just in case some over-excited fan decides to jump them. New York is hot and crowded, but still beautiful. It’s most definitely not their first time in the City, but they do some sightseeing anyway, just to kill some time. They’re both aware of people taking pictures of them and as long as they don’t get mobbed, they’re just fine with it. They stop to sign some t-shirts and caps and take pictures a few times. Eventually they find the pizza place, which luckily is not very busy. The place is small but there’s a few tables here and there and they get into the one that’s more shielded from prying eyes. After months of strict diet, it’s nice to finally get a little loose. Tobin ponders whether or not order some more alcohol and eventually decides on having a beer. She tells herself she’s having only one.

Christen smirks and shakes her head. “You’re gonna have such a sore head tonight”. 

Tobin laughs. “Hey. I’m a two times World Cup winner. I’m allowed”. 

“Of course, Miss Heath” Christen mocks her. 

Tobin throws the napkin at Christen’s face. They eat pizza slices and share Tobin’s beer and they check out Ashlyn’s Instagram stories to check out what the rest of the girls are doing. Apparently they’re getting plastered in the pool, Mewis already drunk off her ass, yelling incomprehensible things at the camera and trying to drag Alex out of her donut floaty. They talk about the game and the World Cup and the teams that they would’ve liked to play against but didn’t get the chance to, players they would’ve liked to meet. Christen’s easy to talk to and Tobin finds herself in a vortex of logorrhea that’s so unusual for her; she’s the quiet one, never exposing herself to much, but with Christen, all of that goes straight out of the window at the speed of light. Even when they’re not speaking, the silence is filled with words all the same. Their eyes are enough. With Christen she’s free to be who she is and free to say whatever she wants and she hopes that Christen feels the same way about her. 

When they’re finished eating, Tobin brings one knee up to her chest and places her chin on top of it. 

“Alex came into the room last night” she says, playing with the strings of her Nike. 

“Last night?” Christen asks, frowning. “When?”. 

Tobin shrugs. “Around 4:00am or somethin’”. 

“How did she get in?”. 

“Apparently she stole a key card. You were sleeping. I didn’t wake you up”.

Christen pouts, confused. “That’s-“.

“She was so drunk, Chris” Tobin admits, shaking her head. 

“Well, that makes sense. Breaking and entering doesn’t sound like Alex at all, honestly” Christen agrees. “What did she want?”. 

Tobin swallows, blushing a little. “She wanted to talk to me”. 

“Oh?”. 

Tobin nods as she rubs at her eyes. “She was acting so weird, Chris. It’s like she went mental. She was pissed at me for ignoring her after the wedding, and talking about wanting to get back with me and leaving Serva and stuff, getting all jealous over you. She tried to kiss me”. 

Christen raises both of her eyebrows, her dark eyes going a little wide. 

“I’m sorry” Tobin sighs. “I pushed her away”. 

Christen shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. I don’t doubt you or anything it’s just that-. This doesn’t sound right. I mean, Alex’s a little crazy but this doesn’t sound like her”. 

Tobin shrugs. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her” she confesses. “I used to get her but now… I guess it was all because of the alcohol but it’s like she’s not herself anymore”. 

“It’s kind of worrying” Christen points out, playing with her plastic plate. She sighs, “But I kind of understand her, too, to some degree”. 

Tobin frowns. “What do you mean?”.

Christen bites her lip. “I think she misses you very deeply and I think she’s very upset about how things ended between the two of you” she explains. 

“Well, what was I supposed to do? I still have some dignity left” Tobin replies. “I’m over her”. 

Christen smiles, sympathetically. “Look, Tobs. You know I love you very, very much and I don’t doubt your feelings for me, at all, but we both know that what binds you to Alex is way stronger and deeper that whatever’s going on between us”. 

“Chris. That’s not true” Tobin shakes her head. “I want you, not Alex. She’s awful. I don’t want to be her lesbian fuck-toy, I’m done with that shit. I feel so disgusting when I think about it”. 

“Oh, Tobs” Christen sighs, gently placing her hand on top of Tobin’s, on the table. “I know she hurt you and I get that you don’t want to have anything to do with her, but I also consider what Alex’s going through. She must be in so much pain, Tobs. She plays for Orlando Pride, for fuck’s sake. She must be so miserable”. 

Outside, a small group of kids bang on the window to wave at them, taking pictures with their phones. Tobin quickly retract her hand from under Christen’s, giving her an apologetic smile. Christen nods and then she waves back at the group of kids. Tobin does the same. The kids take a few more pictures from behind the glass and then they go on their way. 

“How can you defend her?”. 

Christen shakes her head. “I’m not. I just want you to see this from both sides. I’m not absolving her. She’s pulled some pretty nasty shit but she also must be so confused about her own actions”. 

“Aren’t you angry with her?” Tobin asks. “For kissing me and saying she want me back? I am”. 

Christen runs a hand through her hair. “Of course it bothers me but not in the way you think. It bothers me because she disrespected you” she says, smiling a little.

Tobin nods. “Yeah” she says, pausing for a few seconds, before adding, “I’d never cheat on you”. 

“I know” Christen smiles. “And I’d never cheat on you either. We’ll deal with this Alex thing together”. 

“Sounds good” Tobin nods, winking at her teammate. 

They walk back to the hotel and they spend a few hours hanging out with Alyssa, Ash and Ali. At dinner, Tobin gets squeezed in between Megan and Allie who keep pinching her and tickling her, for whatever reason. Tobin nearly chokes on her food and water twice. Mewis is also missing because she apparently drank so much she’s still throwing up in her room. Alex is on the other end of the room, sitting right next to Kelley and although her make-up and hair is on point, she looks like death. Tobin thinks the deserves it. 

After dinner, Tobin and Christen goes back to their room and there’s making out and slow, sweet lovemaking before they fall asleep. Tobin dreams of the World Cup, of raising the trophy all together like the family they are, only that this time, she’s holding Alex’s hand in hers instead of Christen’s. 

(They go through all the celebration and the awards and they don’t go to the fuckin’ White House. It all goes back to normal. Kind of. Not for Alex).

It’s remarkable how good Alex’s poker face is. She’s been back in Orlando for a few weeks now, and of the three matches she’s played, she was drunk off her ass and high on painkillers for all of them. And no one noticed at all. Not her coaches nor her teammates. Not even her husband. Alex’s actually amazed at how, in the whole time before the unthinkable happens, she never gets picked for drug testing. They trust her so much. They believe she’s this responsible and well grounded athlete whilst Alex feels all but grounded. She feels lost, awful. She walks around the house and runs on the pitch and goes through her days with so much alcohol in her body and swallowing down so many pills that if someone ever finds out, Alex will have to throw herself off the balcony out of shame. During the first few weeks, she tried to fight it, the instinct of just drowning her sorrows in pills and alcohol but eventually she gave in. Her team keeps losing and she dreads the moment she will have to play against the Thorns, face to face with Tobin, because Tobin keeps scoring and making assists, running faster than anyone, doing her stupid tricks, loving her stupid perfect girlfriend and Alex is stuck here, instead, playing for a mediocre team, watching Serva’s awful playing that earns him way more money than it should. 

Alex feels empty, defeated. Alcohol and pills fill her up. 

Serva tries his best to get her to open up, once. They’re in their backyard, cuddled on the floating unicorn in the pool. 

“Alex” he says, gently. “Are you alright?”. 

Alex has to choke back some vomit because she’s definitely not puking in her own pool. “I’m great. Why?”. 

Serva shrugs, running his hand up and down her arm. “You’ve been so quiet, lately. And you haven’t been playing much”. 

Alex bites her lip. She grabs Serva’s hand in between hers and kisses his knuckles. “My knee’s been hurting a little and I don’t want to risk getting injured again. I asked the coach not to start me for a few games”.

Serva’s hand moves to her knee to rub it. “Did you see your doctor?”. 

Alex nods. “Yeah. He said I just have to take it slow for a while”. 

Serva kisses her forehead and Alex snuggles into him. He doesn’t say anything else. They keep sunbathing and making small chat and if Serva got that she was lying, he doesn’t say. He wraps his arms around her waist and buries his head in her neck and keeps quiet. He never says anything. Some times Alex wished he would yell at her, instead. 

One night she’s so far gone that she drunk dials Tobin and it’s one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She’s so glad Serva’s not in the house to witness her greatest humiliation. Tobin answers after exactly ten rings. 

“_Alex?_”.

“Why did you do it?” Alex slurs. 

“_What are you talking about? Alex, it’s the middle of the night and I have a game tomorrow. I’m hanging up”. _

“In the final!” Alex yells. “Why did you do it? You got two great opportunities and you did all your stupid tricks in the box, running around like a bitch in heat, instead of trying to score. I was right there and you didn’t pass the ball. Why the fuck did you do that?”. 

_“Alex, are you drunk?”. _

“Shut up” Alex replies, banging her head against the table, hoping it will loosen up the knot that’s squeezing her brain. It doesn’t. “You were waiting for her, weren’t you? You were waiting for Christen so that she could score another goal for her dead mommy, uh? We could’ve got two more goals but you just wanted your stupid girlfriend to score”. 

_“Alex”_ Tobin’s voice is quiet, but Alex can tell how hard she’s trying not to yell into the fucking phone. She can feel Tobin’s rage even from so far away. “_You better shut your mouth right now. I’m warning you, if you call me again, I’m pulling a restraining order on you. I’m gonna get you arrested. I don’t want to see you and I don’t want to hear from you ever again. I hate you, Alex_”. 

Alex laughs. “Yeah? You suck, Tobin. Go back to your perfect girlfriend. Does she knows you like it up your ass? I bet-“.

The line goes dead, thank God. Alex throws her phone against the wall and then she drags herself to the bathroom. She wraps her arms around the toilet and then sticks two fingers down her throat. She throws up and then she falls asleep inside the bathtub. That’s where Serva finds her the next morning. He takes her to bed and he doesn’t say anything, once again. 

The following week she has a game and as she’s changing in the locker room, Alex honestly thinks she’s not going to survive this one. Her stomach hurts, her head worse, and her heart won’t possibly be able to take the strain. She will die out there on the field and she knows she deserves it. She has a good game until the referee gives them a penalty kick and Alex is called to carry it out. She’s in the box, only the ball and the goalkeeper in front of her and Alex feels so sick. She wants to cry. The referee blows the whistle but Alex doesn’t move. The entire stadium goes quiet. Alex turns her head to the right. She sees her. Tobin’s on the far right corner of the field. She’s wearing her Thorns shirt, the number seventeen shining under the stadium’s neons. Her hair is up in a ponytail and she looks so beautiful. Then, she blinks and Tobin is gone. 

Alex doesn’t even realises the moment she falls down to her knees. One moment she’s awake, the next she’s lying on the field, passed out. She deserves it. 

Alex’s mother hasn’t called Tobin in years and she chooses exactly the week Christen’s back home on to do so. They’re quietly making out on the couch when Tobin’s phone starts ringing. Tobin rolls her eyes as she picks it up. She stares at the called ID, shocked. 

“Who is it?” Christen asks her, resting her chin on the midfielder’s shoulder.

“Uh, it’s Alex’s mother” Tobin says.

“Well, answer her” Christen prompts her. 

Tobin takes a deep breath and taps on the green circle on the touchscreen, turning the speaker on. She really doesn’t want to have secrets with Christen, not about Alex, and there’s no way that this call is _not _about her. 

“Hi, Pam”. 

“_Tobin. I’m sorry to disturb you, I wouldn’t if-“._

“Oh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. What’s up?” Tobin says. She’s torturing her lip with her teeth. Christen gently grabs her chin with her fingers to make her stop. 

_“It’s Alex_” Pam says, and it sounds like she’s sobbing. “_Did you watch the news?”. _

“Uh, no, I’m on a break for a few days and-“.

“_Oh, I understand. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called”._

“No, no, it’s fine” Tobin quickly says, not wanting Pam to feel hurt. “What happened? Is Alex okay?”. 

_“No, she’s not”_ Pam answers, and this time, it’s quite clear that she’s crying. 

Christen grabs the remote from the coffee table and promptly turns on the TV, lowering the volume to a minimum. She puts it on ESPN and luckily enough, they catch exactly some news about Alex. Tobin can’t quite tell what it’s all about, though.

“I’m watching the news right now, Pam” she tells Alex’s mother. 

That’s when the title comes up. Tobin holds her breath as she reads, ‘Orlando Pride’s star Alex Morgan collapses on the field during the game for reasons yet unknown’. Christen covers her mouth with her hands and Tobin springs up to her feet as they witness the heartbreaking images of Alex falling to her knees in front of the ball, the team’s doctors and her teammates immediately rushing over to her. 

“Wha-. How-“ Tobin stutters. “She collapsed. What happened?”. 

_“They took her to the hospital”_ Pam explains. “_They run some tests and-. She had so much alcohol in her body, Tobin”. _

“What?” Tobin says, falling back onto the couch and grabbing tightly onto Christen’s hand. “She was drunk?”. 

_“Drunk and high” _Pam specifies, her voice breaking. “_Apparently she’s been to her team doctor quite often lately, lamenting a pain in her knee and getting prescription for painkillers. She went through a bottle in one week”. _

Tobin wants to throw up. She feels guilty, because Alex had called her that night, drunk, and instead of saying something to help her, Tobin had hanged up on her, too angry about her words to think about the reality of things. She wonders if Serva noticed, or if he just let Alex be Alex as he always do. 

“I’m-. Pam, I don’t-. Is she okay, now?” Tobin asks. “I mean, did she have surgery? Is it serious? It looks like she hit her head”. 

_“Thank God she’s fine now” _Pam answers and Tobin shared a look with Christen, both relieved by the news. “_They pumped her stomach, though, and they’re going to keep her here for a few days. They think she might be suicidal”. _

Tobin bites the inside of her cheek. She’s not sure about what she’s supposed to say because the thought of the great Alex Morgan being capable of taking her own life frankly sounds totally absurd. 

“_She’s been asking about you” _Pam eventually reveals. “_I was wondering if you could, maybe, come pay her a short visit. I know you’re very busy but-“._

“I’m very sorry, Pam” Tobin admits, choking on her words. “Alex and I are not as close as we used to be and I don’t know if-. Things got messy between Alex and I and I think it’s better for the both of us if I just stay away”.

_“Oh. I understand. I didn’t know”_ Pam admits, sounding quite embarrassed. Of course Alex wouldn’t tell her how exactly things went between them. That would include confessing of having had sex with another woman and it’s not like Alex’s family would be against it, it’s just that Alex is so focused on being the perfect daughter and the perfect athlete that she’s just constantly sabotaging herself. 

“I’m very sorry about what happened, Pam, and I wish I’d noticed earlier. Please, tell Alex I hope she gets better quickly”.

_“I will” _Pam says. “_It was good hearing your voice, Tobin. I wish you all the best”. _

“Likewise, Pam. Bye”.

_“Bye”._

Tobin hangs up. On her flat screen, the images of Alex falling to the ground are on loop. Some guy’s talking about it, probably making shit up just to say something. Tobin grabs the remote and shuts the TV off. She turns to look at Christen, who actually looks more shocked than she is.

“We didn’t notice, we-” Christen mumbles. Tobin can only nods. “How did she pick up an addiction so fast?”. 

“I don’t know” Tobin whispers, hiding her face in between her knees. She feels Christen’s hand on her back, rubbing slowly from the top of her spine to the small of her back. 

“Do you really not want to go visit her?” Christen asks. “I could come with you”. 

Tobin shakes her head. “No, I-. I don’t want to see her”. 

Christen draws her into her arms and Tobin lets herself relax against Christen’s chest. She hides her face in the sweet valley in between her breasts and when she starts to cry, Christen only holds her tighter. 

Alex was sick and none of the people that were supposed to be her sisters, best friends and family noticed. Soon enough their phones start to blow up with texts from the rest of the girls. Both Christen and Tobin let them go off for quite some time. 

Two weeks after being released from the hospital, Alex Morgan gets a DUI for driving around Orlando high on Xanax. Serva bails her out and then he tells her he’s called her parents. They arrive the next morning. There’s a quick trial in which Alex pleads guilty. She pays the money. Her father takes her car’s keys. Her parents don’t even yell at her and that’s actually worse.

They ask her why she’s behaving like this, what is it that it’s tormenting her. Alex doesn’t answer. 

“I just wanted to drive to the store” she says. “I wanted candies”. 

Alex doesn’t tell them that she just wanted to get out of that house, that she couldn’t stand the hole Tobin’s left behind and that thinking of her being happy with Christen, somewhere, having lunch with Christen’s father and holding her hand when they visit Stacy Press’ grave, makes Alex’s heart hurt so much that she can’t bear to be alive anymore. 

Alex can’t look after herself and she won’t let Serv help her either, not matter how gently he asks, or how patient he is with her. Her parents take her back home.

Eventually it comes down to a simple decision: rehab or death.

Alex choses the former, but she has a few conditions. Her agent tells her that she’s not really in the position to be demanding things but he also doesn’t want her to die because she’s worth lots of money, so they compromise. Alex says she doesn’t want to stop playing, because if she does, she knows she won’t get back and so they decide that she can keep training as long as she’s tightly followed by the federation’s medic staff and its psychologist to be sure that she won’t relapse. She won’t play in any game, though, but that’s fine by Alex. She tells her family and Serv about it only after the deal with the club management’s done. 

“I want to go back to Portland” she says one evening, after dinner. 

All of her family and Serv are sitting in the living room and they’re all drinking water because they don’t want to upset Alex or even worse, tempt her. 

“The deal’s already done. I will go back to train with the Thorns, for now, and if I get better my trading will be finalised by the end of the next year” she explains. 

“Oh honey” her mother sighs with watering eyes. 

“Alex” her father says. “Can I ask why?”. 

Alex swallows. Her eyes shift on Serv, who’s staring at the ground because he can’t bear to look at her. 

“These past few years have been really hard on me” Alex says, trying to explain herself the best she can without letting on too much. “I know you think I was happy in Orlando, but I wasn’t. I spend the past few years using only the half of my potential. I was under such pressure, being the face of the USWNT, and so afraid of failing you all that I just forgot about myself in the process”. 

“Sweetheart” cries out her mother. “We would never think that you’ve failed us. We’re all so proud of you and we only want what’s best for you”. 

“We want to help you get better” her father adds. “Why would you decide to go away now that you need us the most?”. 

Alex bites her lip. “Portland is where I first felt at home. I think going back there is the best thing for me, now” she says. “The Thorns’ staff will help me with my rehab. I will always have someone checking on me and I will share an apartment with one of the girls. I won’t be alone”. 

Her father nods. “Well, then” he sighs. “It’s decided”. 

“Alex” Jen pipes in. “What about the prenup?”. 

Alex wants to throw up.

“Alex’s needs come first, now” Serva says and it sounds like he’s speaking from the grave.

Alex nods at him, silently thanking him. She’s just so grateful for him and it saddens her that people think of Serv as just her stupid puppet husband. Serva is a kind, good person - another man victim of a cruel world. 

Tobin nearly falls off her chair when the coach gives them the news. At first she thinks that someone’s pulling some kind of prank on her and she looks around, suspicious, and then she realises that her teammates are all just as shocked as she is. 

“Alex Morgan will come back to train with us” Mark says. “She won’t be playing any game, given that she will be undergoing rehab for drug addiction and she will probably be incapable of even holding the ball in her hand. Our game line-up will stay the same”. 

Tobin’s so traumatised by it that she has an awful practice. She can’t control the ball and each time she tries to score, her aim is way off. Figure of Alex to mess her up even when she’s not physically here. In the evening she calls Christen. They FaceTime and after some small chat, Tobin drops the bomb. 

After the initial shock, Christen smiles. “That sounds nice. Looks like Alex is doing better”.

“Mh-mh” Tobin mumbles, chewing on an apple. 

“Why are you upset about it?” Christen asks.

“I mean, on one hand I don’t want her to come back here and mess it all up for me ‘cause I’m doing really good right now but… On the other hand I just want her to get better and if this will help, I guess I’m all for it”. 

Christen smiles. “See? You just gave yourself an answer”. 

Tobin laughs and she bites down on her apple. “Yeah”. 

Christen sighs. “This is good news, Tobs” she says. “It might be a good chance to mend your differences”.

Tobin shrugs. “I know. I don’t want to think about it”.

“Alright” Christen nods. “Are you seriously wearing those horrible yellow shorts right now?”.

Tobin giggles and she moves her phone so that her shorts are clearly visible. Christen laughs and mocks her and she has the most beautiful smile Tobin has ever seen. It can’t compare with Alex’s. Christen’s is way better and there’s no denying that. 

Serva helps her pack some of her stuff, mostly her soccer gear. When they’re done, they settle down on the floor, Alex’s back against the bed and Serva right in between her legs. Alex moves her legs and places them on top of Serv’s thighs. They play stupid games with their hands, their fingers running after each other. 

“You want to go back to Tobin, don’t you?” Serva says, eventually. He keeps his voice down because he doesn’t want anyone to listen in on them, and although the door is closed, he knows Alex’s mother like to eavesdrop every once in a while, just to check if Alex’s alright. 

Alex swallows. She doesn’t answer. Serva sighs. He runs a hand through her hair. 

“Why did you agree to marry me, Alex?”. 

Alex starts crying. “I love you” she moans. 

Serv nods as he wipes the tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs. “I know” he says. “Just not as much as you love her”. 

Alex can’t stop crying. Serva draws her into her arms and holds her. 

“Have I not been good to you, Alex? If I did something wrong-“.

“No” she quickly says, and takes his face in her hands. “You’re my best friend and an amazing husband. It’s me, Serv. There’s something wrong with me”. 

“I don’t think there’s something wrong with you” he says. He runs both hands through her hair and rests his forehead against hers. “I can love you, Alex. I can make you happy. You won’t ever have to hide with me”. 

“Please, stop” Alex begs him, fisting his t-shirt in her hands. “I just want to get better. Will you help me? Please, Serva”. 

“I will” he nods.

He lets Alex cry on his shoulder because when he married her he swore he would always be there for her and he stands by what he said. Serva doesn’t understand. He can’t. He can’t understand that the type of love that links Alex to Tobin is something else, something that transcends normalcy. It’s a deeper bond, something that Serva has tried to give Alex for this entire time - something that he will never be able to replicate. 

Serva leaves to go back to camp the day before her flight to Portland. Alex’s preferred it this way. She says her goodbyes at home and allows only her mother to accompany her to the airport and there’s a reason for that. She wants to redeem and admit at least part of her sins to the person she trusts most in this world: the woman who gave her life. 

One member of the Orlando’s medical staff will fly out with her, to make sure that she won’t try anything sneaky on the plane like asking the steward for alcohol. He gives them privacy, though, as they wait to get through the check-in.

“Mom” Alex begins. “I’m going to tell you something, now, but you have to promise me that you will keep it for yourself, that it will stay only between us”. 

Pam looks at her, serious. She nods. “Of course”. 

Alex takes off her sunglasses. Her eyes are red and tired. She hasn’t touched any alcohol for weeks and she’s getting two shots of methadone per day as the doctor prescribed and she’s feeling horrendously. She hasn’t slept much in the last few days, sick with stomachache and headaches, knowing that this is just the beginning. 

She wants to look at her mother in the eyes when she says this, though. 

“I had an affair during the engagement”. 

It takes a few seconds for her mother to elaborate what Alex’s said. 

“Alex. With who?” she eventually asks, taking her head in her hands.

Alex swallows. “With Tobin”. 

“Tobin?” her mother gasps. 

A few heads turn in their direction and her mother cover her mouth with her hands as it that could help taking it all back. 

“We were together for about eight months before I got married and left”.

“Eight months… D-Does Servando know?”. 

Alex nods. “Yes, he knew”. 

“But why did you get married then?”. 

Alex runs a hand through her hair. “Because we both needed each other. Serva needed my influence to make it out in the field and I… I really hoped I could grow to love him more than Tobin”. 

“Oh, Alex” her mother sighs cupping her face in her hand. Alex bring her hand to her own face, taking her mother’s hand in hers. 

“You can’t tell anyone about this, mom. Tobin’s not out to anyone but her family and the national team and-“.

“I won’t say a word, honey” Pam states, holding Alex’s hand tightly. “But you understand, I have to ask”. 

Alex nods, blushing. Her mother wraps her in her arms. It’s been years since Alex’s been so embarrassed in her mother’s presence. 

“I don’t know if I’m gay” Alex blurts out. “I like men and I like-. I like Tobin. I like Tobin a lot. That’s all I know”. 

Alex’s flight is called. Her mother walks her to the check-in. Since Alex is priority, they let her through first. A few people recognise her but luckily the airport’s staff is competent enough and doesn’t let the fans get to close. Alex waves and smiles to them anyways. The truth is that Alex got lucky. Even with her DUI, things didn’t get out of hand much. Her management and public liaison kept things under wrap for as long as they could and eventually Alex wrote a statement both on her Instagram and Twitter. She wrote that she wasn’t leaving soccer but that she was taking a break from the games for a while for personal reasons. 

Before letting her go, Pam wraps her daughter in a big hug and Alex holds onto her tightly. 

“Are you going to fix things with Tobin and Serva?” Her mother asks.

Alex shrugs. “I have to fix myself, first”.

Pam nods. “Alex. Please remember that whatever you need, we’re here for you, and we support you not matter what you do”. 

Alex nods. She kisses her mother’s cheek and then she takes off. She wants to tell her mother that there’s things that they shouldn’t have supported her with, things they should’ve insisted on more. Alex’s too determinate and driven for her own good. She has no limits whatsoever - most of the times Alex Morgan just wants someone to tell her what to do, what lines to cross, what lines to stay away from.


	2. love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay.
> 
> This might be a little cringy. So sorry.  
There's lots of vomiting here. So sorry pt2. Don't ever do drugs.  
There's also some straight sex. I'm not sorry about that but you've been warned. 
> 
> Again, if you come upon some major grammar mistake or misspell, don't be afraid to point them out to me. I'm here to learn. 
> 
> As Tobin Heath once tweeted, 'Au revoir yo'.

**scar tissue that I wished you saw,**

**sarcastic Mister Know-It-All.**

**close your eyes and I’ll kiss you ‘cause**

**with the birds I’ll share this lonely view.**

**[…]**

**soft spoken with a broken jaw,**

**step outside but not to brawl and**

**autumn’s sweet we call it fall,**

**I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl.**

red hot chili peppers, scar tissue.

The return is traumatic. After the landing, she’s welcomed by old faces, the Thorns’ head physician and psychologist. Alex’s not feeling great. As soon as they’re outside, she can’t fake it anymore. She leans with one hand on the back of the car and just throws up right there in the parking lot. She’s on an empty stomach so everything that comes out it’s just bile and it makes her stomach hurt even more. They rush her inside the car and Alex spends the entire trip to the condo with her arms wrapped around her stomach, chocking on her own saliva and vomit that tries to climb up her throat. 

Eventually they stop and Alex takes a deep breath. She used to live here, maybe a few blocks away. She wonders where Tobin is. If she’s still sharing an apartment with someone or if she finally settled down and bought a nice house somewhere around here. Alex’s roommate is now Sonnett. She’s home and she helps Alex bring her suitcases and stuff up into the apartment. They hug and Alex can see Emily is just burning with questions and so Alex decides to just get it all out because eventually it will anyway, whether she wants it or not. 

“I want to apologise in advance” Alex says, sipping on her glass of water. She’s been feeling so dehydrate for days and not matter how much or what she drink, it never tastes right and it always leaves her even thirstier. 

“For what?” Sonnett asks.

“I’m just starting with rehab and it’s already horrible. I will vomit and shit all over the apartment and at some point I’ll start sleepwalking and having hallucinations and stuff… or so they say. So, I’m sorry” Alex explains. 

“Alex, I understand” Emily says. “We’re friends. I’ll help you through it, I-“.

“I might get violent” Alex confesses. “I feel like I might. I feel… that I might lose my mind at some point, looking for pills and stuff and I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve-. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone”. 

Alex feels tears prickling at her eyes. She rubs at them with fury, angry at herself, and she keeps rubbing until Sonnett’s gentle hands stop her. She lets her teammate hold her, at least until her psychologist and doctor interrupt them because she’s due for her methadone.

The next day is a nightmare. Alex wakes up at dawn, even before Sonnett. She makes breakfast for both Emily and her and then she turns the TV on. She watches the news for a while, sipping on her coffee. She’s already sweaty, her nerves slowly breaking and Alex brings her knees to her chest and closes her eyes, trying to get a hold of herself. She rides with Sonnett to Providence Park and as Sonnett goes in the direction of the locker room, gearing up for the usual early morning gym session, Alex goes to her doctor’s for her morning dose of methadone. 

“How are you doing?” he asks.

“Alright” Alex lies. 

The doctor raises his eyebrows. “No cold sweats? Thirst? How’s the hunger?”. 

Alex swallows. “I’m getting chills in the morning but I don’t feel that bad, yet. Water doesn’t do much and my stomach feel pretty unsettled all the time, especially in the morning”. 

The doctor nods. 

“Cravings?”.

Alex simply nods her head. 

“Those will get worse. Keep hydrate. I know you think it’s useless but your body needs it. Don’t fight the nausea and just… sweat it out, mh? I’m sorry, Alex. This will be awful and I won’t sugar coat it”. 

“No need to apologize” Alex says. “I’m the only one to blame”.

In her minds, she knows that - the thing is that it’s just easier to take it out on someone or something else. 

The doctor pats her shoulder. “Go get changed, now. The rest of the girls are all waiting to see you again”. 

Alex doubts it. Tobin most certainly’s not. The midfielder keeps in a corner as the rest of the girls jump all over Alex, holding her tightly and welcoming her back to the team with such warmth and joy that Alex wonders what the hell was going on in her mind when she decided to leave this awesome team in the first place. She knows her reasons, though. Her reasons are a husband she’s failed too many times and Tobin Heath, queen of nutmeg, who’s now hiding in a corner, staring down at her feet to avoid eye contact. Tobin doesn’t come near her. When everyone goes back to their exercises and stuff, Tobin tags along with Sinc and leaves Alex behind exactly as Alex herself has done so many times before. 

Alex has a good workout session. Her muscles are still working, albeit a little weaker than they used to be because of the damage the alcohol’s done to her tissues. She gets distracted a lot, though, and it takes twice the time to finish her exercises. Some times it’s the voice in her head that pushes her to go back to the locker room and just look through her teammates’ stuff to find some pills. Other times it’s Tobin. Alex can’t stop staring at her. She’s mesmerised by Tobin’s strength, by the movement of the tight muscles under her tanned skin, by the drops of sweat that run down her face, her arms and her legs that go one for miles and miles. Tobin works hard, harder than anyone. Alex knows what a pain it is to be the player every one looks up to, to feel like everyone’s eyes are always on you, like the entire team’s on your shoulders and you have no right to do wrong. Tobin’s definitely doing a much better job than Alex at that. 

When they get out on the pitch, Alex feels like her legs have turned into jello. She sits down just for a moment, to catch her breath, and one of the doctors immediately rushes toward her. Alex sends him away with a polite smile and a wave of her hand. Mark pairs her with Sinclair. Alex nods and she chugs her bottle fo water. Sinc hold her hand out to Alex, to help her get back on her feet. 

“Okay, Baby Horse?” Sinc asks.

Alex nods, smiling at the old nickname. “Yeah”. 

“Wanna kick some ball around for a little while?”.

“Dying to” Alex replies. 

Alex gets tired easily. Her passes are sloppy, her ball handling even worse. When they play scrimmage, Alex can’t keep up. She can’t breath. Her lungs feel oppressed, heavy and eventually Mark tells her to just go sit down on the bench and take a break. Alex collapses on her seat with a towel around her shoulders. She’s dripping, swimming in her own sweat. She can’t get comfortable. She shifts around on the bench but her skin is on fire and her muscles hurt. Alex starts shaking and she digs her nails in her thighs and just drags her fingers up and down, leaving dark and deep red signs on her flesh, trying to find some relief for this phantom pain. She kicks her cleats off and lays down on the bench, dragging her jacket over her because she’s suddenly so cold that she fears her teeth might break for how hard she’s chattering them. She falls asleep, somehow, and she dreams of happier times, of the 2015’s World Cup and holding Tobin against her chest, wrapped in the US’ flag, of meeting Serva in College and falling for him so fast and so hard without even noticing; she dreams new dreams of regrets and pills and empty bottles and feeling trapped into her own life and into her own body. 

The coach assistant wakes her up by gently shaking her arm and Alex slowly moves her aching body back into a sitting position. The rest of her teammates are leaving the field. Practice’s finished and Alex feels wrecked, beat. She slowly drags herself back into the locker room and tries her best not to cry under the shower. The warm water feels good on her skin but it also hurts. She’s so slow and fatigued that she tells Sonnett to just go, that she’ll catch a ride with one of the coaches or something. Emily looks like she’s about to insist but eventually she doesn’t and she leaves with the rest of the girls. 

Alex’s finishing tying up her shoes when Tobin’s white Nikes appear in front of her eyes. 

“Hey, Alex”. 

Alex gets up on her feet. Tobin’s hair is still a little wet and it falls all over her shoulders in soft, chocolate-brown locks and curls. Her snapback is obviously on her head, but backwards. She has her backpack on her shoulders, her hands stuffed in her jean’s pockets. 

“Hello” Alex says, trying to smile. 

“Uhm” Tobin mumbles, shuffling on her feet. “How are you?”.

“I’m not that great” Alex says, not feeling like she needs to lie to Tobin about this, seeing how she’s called for her in the hospital, after her collapse on the field. She’d been in so much pain, her stomach empty and aching like she’d been stabbed, and the only face she’d wanted to see had been Tobin’s sweet one. 

“I’m sorry” Tobin says, shaking her head. “Stupid question”.

“It’s okay” Alex replies. 

“I-. We’re all sorry we didn’t notice. Have you heard from the rest of the girls?”. 

Alex nods. “Yeah. I talked to Ash, Ali, Allie and even Jill and I FaceTimed with Kelley a few times but honestly it’s no one’s fault but mine. No one could’ve helped me. I knew what I was getting myself into”.

Silence fills up the room. Alex swallows down a ball of nausea and saliva. 

“Tobin” she sighs. “I’m very sorry for how I behaved the night of the final and for that phone call. I’m so, so sorry”. 

“It’s okay” Tobin replies, nodding her head but avoiding Alex’s eyes. 

“It’s not okay”.

Tobin bites her lip. “No, it’s not okay” she agrees. “But all that matters now is that you get better, so let’s put all of that behind us”. 

Alex wants to cry. She was such a horrible person to Tobin and here she is, being her usual selfless self, like every good Christian, offering some kind of fresh start, white flag in the air and weapons on the ground. Tobin gets hurt because she loves people and she loves to help and all of her generosity and goodness always comes back to bite her in the ass, somehow. Alex won’t let her do such a mistake again. Alex will be better. 

“Are-. Are you and Christen really out? I’ve seen the pictures on Instagram. I’m-. I’m really happy if you are” Alex stutters, trying not to sound accusing or jealous or just like a plain bitch.

Tobin blushes a little. “Uhm, it’s just pictures. We won’t say anything about it. People can think whatever they want”. 

“That’s good. I’m happy for the both of you. Truly” Alex says. 

Tobin nods. “Thanks you. Alright. Well, if you need anything, you have my phone number and Sonnett has my new address… Let me know”. 

“Thank you, Tobs”. 

Tobin nods one last time before turning back on her heels. She walks toward the door and just as she grabs the handle, she hears Alex calling her back. She turns. 

“Tobin” Alex says with watery eyes. “Do you really not want me back here?”. 

Tobin swallows and shrugs. “What I want has never really mattered much”. 

This time she goes away for real. The door closes behind Tobin’s shoulders and it echoes all over the locker room. Alex sits down on the empty bench. She kicks her gym bag away with her foot and rests her elbows on her knees. After a few minutes, she notices small, little red circles on the floor and then she feels something wet under her nose. She brings her hand to her face and her fingers come back smeared with blood. She’s bleeding from her nose. Keeping a hand on her face, Alex quickly grabs some toilet paper and presses it to her nose, throwing her head back. When the nosebleed stops, Alex looks at herself in the mirror. She’s so ugly and desperate, filled up with despair and longing for what she will never be able to get back. 

Alex Morgan hates herself so unbelievably much and she wants the rest of the world to hate her, too, because it’s just right.

Of course the first important game after Alex’s return is against Utah. Christen is in the starting formation and Alex overhears Tobin talking on the phone to her, one day after practice, and finds out that Christen’s sister and father will also come to cheer for her. Tobin’s mother and brother Jeff will come, too, and so when Alex’s parents tell her they will be coming to game anyway, no matter if she doesn’t play, Alex doesn’t really find it in herself to put up a fight. She actually asks Serv if he’s free to come, too, and he says his team doesn’t have any game scheduled for that week and that he will be there. 

Great. 

When her parents ask her how she is, Alex lies and tells them she’s doing just fine, maybe a little nauseous, but that’s a far cry form the truth. The truth is that she’s been exponentially growing sicker and sicker. Alex is miserable. At night, she doesn’t sleep, shaking in her bed, caught up in cold sweats and chills and stomach cramps. Her nausea is so bad that she’s constantly throwing up no matter how little food she ingests. Her lips are so chapped the skin’s broken out. All of her body feels weird, her skin so tight and dry that even getting dressed has become a nightmare. Her throat feels like sandpaper and lately Sonnett has had to physically drag her into the shower to get her to wash up because Alex’s legs just don’t work anymore. At practice, she mostly crawls around the field, kicking the ball with Sinc or Franch but only for a few minutes. She can’t do much, her body doesn’t allow her. She threw up on the field a couple of times already, and then all over her clothes and even into her shoes, once, and the coach had to remove her from the field and let her spend the next few hours in the med-bay. 

She’s also started her first few sessions with her psychologist but she’s been too tired and weak to talk about what she feels; everything Alex feels is emptiness. The cravings are so strong that one night she turns the entire apartment upside down, searching for pills or booze, scaring the shit out of Sonnett. After a few hours of sleep, she tidies it all up and apologises to Emily, profusely, promising she will never do something like that again. A few days later, she smashes the bathroom’s cabinet. She gets angry and violent, some times, and she lashes out at her teammates for simply speaking to her and then she finds herself begging the doctors to just give her something, something more, because the methadone’s not enough anymore, not now that they’ve reduced the dosage. 

The day of the game comes and Alex decides to watch it from the little spot on the bleachers that’s reserved to players’ relatives. She sits far back with her parents and Serva, shielded from all the commotion, and lazily watches the game, trying her best to focus on what’s happening on the pitch, but filing miserably. Everyone around her is drinking beers and Alex’s already sweating in her t-shirt and shorts, nausea punching her bowels around. Serve wraps an arm around her shoulders, gently, trying not to hold her too tightly, and Alex tries to relax in his hug, she really tries, but then her eyes fall onto the familiar figure of Tobin’s father. He’s amicably talking with a tall, dark-skinned man who’s wearing a Utah jersey with the number 23: Christen’s father. The two of them laugh and joke around and hold each other’s arms like old pals, like fucking future in-laws. Alex tightens her jaw and bites her tongue, forcing herself not to get up on her feet and scream. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and then tangles her fingers with Serva’s.

It’s a good game. 

Sinc scores and Christen immediately evens the situation up. Christen and Tobin are on opposite teams and they fight to win, charging into their opponents like lions and breaking ankles, but they do so with a smile on their lips because they love each other. Because they know that tonight, Christen will go home with Tobin, maybe she’ll stay the weekend, and they’ll have pancakes for breakfast with a side of sweet kisses and slow shower sex without giving a single fuck about who won the game or about the world out there. Alex - she will spend the night shaking, tangled in the sheets, tasting sour stomach acids and chewing guilt around in her mouth. 

The first half of the game concludes with a score of 1 on 1. 

“I have to pee” Alex says, standing up. 

“I’ll come with you” Serv offers, holding his hand out to her. “If you want, Alex”. 

Alex nods, smiles, and grabs his hand. Luckily enough Alex knows all the stadium’s shortcuts to reach the bathroom without getting mobbed by the crowd. Serv waits for her outside. In the small stall, Alex places her hands against the wall and rests her forehead on the cold surface. She takes a few deep breath. Her stomach hurts so bad and Alex can’t help but let a few tears escape her eyes. She hears a few people coming in and the cry of a distressed child and so she tries to hurry up, pulling down her pants. When she’s done, she spits in the toilet a few times and when a disgusting thread of greenish liquid hangs from between her lips, Alex moans in disgust and wipes it away with some toilet paper. 

When Alex steps out of the bathroom, the crowd’s cheering overwhelms her. They’re so loud and Alex’s head is pounding. Suddenly, she doesn’t want to be here anymore. She wants to be anywhere, but here. 

“Serv” she says, grabbing his t-shirt. “Do you want to go to the car?”. 

“The car?” he repeats. 

Alex’s license had been revokes and it will be months before she can drive her car again. 

“Yeah” she nods. “The one you came from the airport with. We could get something to eat. I want a milkshake”. 

Serva blinks. “Don’t you want to watch the game?”.

Alex shrugs. “We’ll come back before it’s over. I’ll tell mom to text us”. 

“Alright” Serva says. 

They walk to the parking lot holding hands, and Alex honestly is looking forward to that milkshake, but it all goes to hell the moment she steps foot into the car. As soon as she’s in the seat, she doesn’t want to be there anymore. Her head’s spinning. She tells Serva not to start the engine and then she takes her head in her hands and screams into them. She drags her nails down her cheeks and neck, scratches at her eyes because they hurt, until Serv stops her. At first she wants to hit him, but then she looks at him in the eyes and she realises he’s about to cry. 

“Why don’t we move to the backseat and you try to catch some sleep?” he proposes, whispering, trying not to upset her even more. 

It sounds good. Alex lays down and rests her head on Serva’s lap. He lazily runs his fingers through her hair and gently scratches at the back of her neck and the base of her skull. Alex closes her eyes. For a while, just for a little while, it feels like nothing’s ever happened, like she was never broken. If she concentrate enough, she can hear the crowd chanting her name and shouting ‘USA, USA’ and her family clapping for her. She’s just won her first World Cup, scored the most important goals of her life, and she’s here, with all the people she loves and cares about the most and she’s happy. Alex Morgan is happy. And then she opes her eyes and she’s not anymore. 

“Tobin’s been playing really well” Servs says, out of the blue, as he traces Alex’s headline with his finger. “I swear she gets better every time I see her”. 

Alex swallows. “I don’t walk to talk about Tobin. Don’t talk about her”. 

“I’m sorry” Serva apologises. 

“It’s fine” Alex replies, pressing his hand against her lips. 

She raises a hand to his face and then rolls onto her side, sinking her face in Serv’s stomach. Her hand slide down his chest and creeps under his t-shirt. Alex’s nails scratch lightly at his nipples and then down his stomach and abs and by the time Alex gets on her knees on the car’s seat and works Serva’s jeans open, he’s already panting. She slides her hand inside his underwear and takes him in her hand. 

“Alex” he says, trying to stop her. 

“Ssh” she shushes him. 

Alex moves her hand up and down his shaft and he grows harder and harder under her like it’s some kind of fucking magic. Alex bends her head and takes him in her mouth and she nearly gags because it’s been a long fucking while since she’s had a dick in her mouth; the only thing she’s had in her throat lately’s been her own fingers. Alex hollows her cheeks as she sucks and tries to relax her throat. She swirls her tongue over the head, lapping at the small slit on top of it. Serv moans and rubs her cheek affectionately. Alex looks up and wipes her mouth with her t-shirt. He coughs a little, trying to hide his blushing, trails his fingers down her arms as his free hand goes to tuck himself back into his pants. Alex stops his with a firm gesture, wrapping her hand around his wrist. Serva frowns but lets his hand fall. Alex kicks her Converses off and tugs down her shorts and underwear. 

“Alex” he sighs, as Alex straddles him. “What are you doing? If somebody sees us-”.

Alex shakes her head. “No one will see us. No one gives two shits about us, I assure you”.

“Jesus” Serva whispers as Alex starts grinding down on him. His fingers get in between her legs and rub at her clit, trying to stimulate her a little. Alex wets two of her own fingers and just thrusts inside of herself, slapping Serva’s hand away. She wants this to be quick and at the same time she wants this to last forever. She needs this. Serva holds her as he slowly slides into her. She’s tight and it hurts a little.

“Alex, you’re not-. I don’t want to hurt you” Serv says.

Alex shakes her head. She kisses him to shut him up and then brings her mouth to his ear. 

“Please, please” she begs, as she starts to move her hips slowly, wanting to enjoy this, to drag this out for as long as she can. “Let me have this”. 

This is the only good thing she can have. Serva nods, raising his hips to meet hers. He kisses her cheeks, her mouth, her chin, her neck, wherever his lips find smooth skin to roam upon, to bless with some love. Alex runs a hand through his hair and rests her temple against his. She doesn’t want Serva to look at her in the eyes, she couldn’t bear it, and so she hides her face in the crook of his neck, safe from harm. Alex works with her hands, her mouth and her muscles. She tightens around Serva’s shaft like she wants to squeeze the life out of him, like some kind of black widow, hungry for love and affection, but incapable of accepting either. She bites at his neck through his t-shirt and she shakes in his arms, sweaty from the withdrawal and the heat. Serva holds her tight and Alex loves and adores him but not enough. 

Alex fucks his mouth with her tongue, licking his teeth and swiping her tongue on the roof of his mouth, biting his lips, and she rolls her t-shirt up only a few seconds before Serva pulls out of her. He comes all over her belly and a little on her left thigh. It takes Alex way longer than usual to come, instead. Serv thrusts two fingers inside of her and rubs at her clit with his thumb; he knows her and he can tell that her mind is anywhere but here but he doesn’t say anything about it. Alex throws her head back and she tries, she really tries to keep her thoughts from going where they shouldn’t but it’s useless. Whenever Alex’s wound up, her mind always goes back to the sweetest and most beautiful thing she’s had in life: Tobin. She thinks of Tobin kissing the trophy after the World Cup, Tobin scoring one of her glorious goals, Tobin’s firm hands around her as she swirls Alex around after Alex’s scored a goal for her, Tobin’s wide, beautiful smile as they walk around Los Angeles dreaming of who they will be, of their faces all over the News and magazines. Alex grips Serva’s arms so hard she leaves nails indents in his skin, and she closes her eyes and smiles against his chest - she comes so hard it hurts. 

After a few minutes of catching her breath, Alex cleans herself up with her own t-shirt and literally rolls out of the car. She stumbles back toward the stadium with a foggy brain and Serva tagging along behind her. 

The Thorns have won, of course - Tobin was on a roll, scoring two goals in the second half of the game, Alex’s mother tells her. Now all the players are celebrating, down on the pitch, and Alex immediately spots Tobin with her family. She’s not alone. Sinc and Christen are with her. Christen’s father soon catches up with them. Sinc hugs Christen and says something in Tobin’s ear before taking off to go get changed. Alex can’t help but stare. She grabs the bleachers’s metal bar with one hand and Serv’s with the other. She stares at Christen’s fingers ghosting over Tobin’s arm as they laugh at something Christen’s father says. No average person would notice these skinny love touches, these faint cuddles, but Alex Morgan is no average person. If possible, now that her mental health’s in pieces, she sees things more clearly than before. 

Christen’s lost the game but she’s smiling because when you have love you have everything and there’s nothing in the world that can best that. 

Serv’s hand covers her eyes for a few moments. 

“Don’t look if it hurts you” he whispers, wrapping an arm around her waist. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”. 

“Because it’s me” Alex rasps out. “I hurt all over and I hurt everyone around me”. 

Serva doesn’t answer. Alex feels her mouth fill up with saliva and she swallows a couple of times, trying to take deep breaths in between. She moves down the bleacher’s stairs. 

“I have to go say hi” Alex says.

Serva squeezes her hand a little tighter and Alex stops. She turns to look at him.

“You don’t have to”.

“I do” Alex replies. 

Serva swallows. “Why? You’re torturing yourself. What it is that she has that you can’t find anywhere else?”. 

He wants to know what it is that he hasn’t been able to give her. Alex has no answer for that. It’s not about gender, or sex, not about personality. It’s about the soul and that’s not something Alex can put into words, not something that can be bought or earned. 

“Wait with my parents” Alex replies, ignoring his questions. 

She goes down the bleaches’ stairs until she reaches the small block of security. She’s about to show them her All Access pass but they know who she is and they let her into the pitch with kind smiles. They give her pitiful stares but Alex is too far gone to care. She’s dirty, battered, and she has bruises and scratch marks all over her neck and arms, which she’s made all by herself; her hair is dirty an unkept and she’s all sweaty, stinking of cum and dirt. 

Here she is, the mighty Alex Morgan - an empty shell of herself, a relict. 

Christen sees her before anyone else, as if she’s somehow sensed her presence, as if Christen was already waiting for her. Press shoves her sister aside and runs to Alex with this big smile on her face that makes Alex want to bow and get down on her knees and ask God for grace and mercy. 

“Alex!”.

Christen wraps her arms around her and hold her tightly. At first, Alex doesn’t know what to do. Then, she tentatively places her hands on Christen’s sweaty back. She holds her breath until Christen breaks the hug. 

“Hey, Chris. Well played” Alex says. 

Christen wraps her arm around Alex shoulder and sighs. “Yes, it was a good game. Could’ve gone better if someone hadn’t had so much fun fooling my goalkeeper” she says, throwing Tobin an amused look. Both the girls’ families start laughing. Alex limits herself to a small smile.

“What?” Tobin grins. “Dude, I’m innocent. It was a team effort”. 

“Hey, Tobs” Alex says, raising her hand. 

“Hello, Alex” Tobin replies, nodding her head. 

“Tobin told us you’re back with the Thorns, Alex” Cindy says with a small smile. 

Alex nods. She doesn’t know if Tobin’s told her family about the addiction or the rehab but judging from the sympathetic stares they’re giving her, she must’ve told them enough. 

“Yes” Alex says. “It’s good to be back. I wasn’t doing that great in Florida”. 

“Will you stay?” Tobin’s father asks, gently touching her arm.

“I might” Alex nods, turning to look at Tobin because her opinion is the only one that matters to Alex. “My plan is to get traded by the end of the year, if everything goes well”. 

Tobin doesn’t say anything. She bites her lips and stares down at her cleats. 

“I’m so happy you’re here” Christen says, as she wraps Alex in another loving hug. “When I didn’t see you on the bench I got worried”. 

“Yeah, I was on the bleachers with Serva and my parents” she explains. 

Christen briefly turns toward the small crowd that’s left on the bleachers. “Oh, I haven’t seen your parents in so long”. 

Alex doesn’t know why she says it, but she does. “Do you want to come say hi? They’d be happy to see you”.

“Sure” Christen nods, happily. She turns toward her parents. “I’ll catch you guys at home, okay? Let’s go”. 

Alex waves her hand in goodbye and shares one last look with Tobin, who just shakes her head before walking away. Alex is sure Tobin will spend the night in her house with Christen and both their families, tonight, smiling and laughing and bonding, and that tomorrow morning, before Christen’s bus team leaves, the both of them will find some little time to be together before separating once again. And they will hug and kiss goodbye and whisper sweet I’ll miss you into each other’s ears but knowing that, after all, their love is stronger than whatever distance there might be between them. 

Alex blinks a few times and tries not to think about it too much. 

Her parents are in fact enthusiastic about seeing Christen; Serva, too. They hug her and they rub her back and caress her cheeks because no one is capable of not falling in love with such a lovely creature such as Christen Press, God’s merciful gift to mankind. After the small chat is done and her parents have given Christen their condolences, Alex offers to walk Christen back to the locker room because she also wants to spend some time with Kelley and Becky. They walk slowly, side by side, and right before they’ve reached the door, Alex stops and grabs Christen’s wrist. 

“Can we talk? It won’t take long” she asks.

Christen nods. “Of course. Let’s find some place quiet”. 

They hide in one of the many hallways of the stadium, grateful that it’s not a busy one. 

“Are you okay, Alex?” Christen asks, and of course she looks genuinely worried. “How’s rehab?”. 

“Rehab is-” Alex can’t find the words. Eventually she opts to just go with the truth. “I’m going through the worst of it and I honestly don’t think I will make it. The cravings are so bad and all I think about is pills and alcohol. I think about it all the time. I can’t stop”. 

Christen takes her hands in hers. 

“Alex, please don’t think like that. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You will make it. We’re all here to help you, so let us”. 

Alex wants to tell her that it’s all a lie, that she’s not the strongest one here - that’s Christen. Christen who buried her own mother and then found the strength to go on and win a World Cup even with such an incredible pain and emptiness inside of her. 

“Therapy is fine” Alex says. “We talk about many things but I-. She asks and asks but I can never find the courage to talk about…”.

She can’t finish that sentence, and so Christen does it for her.

“About you and Tobin”. 

Christen smiles as she says the words and Alex can’t help herself. She starts crying so hard that the first sob threatens to make her chest cave. After a few seconds, she’s blind from the tears in her eyes. Christen wraps an arm around her shoulder and wipes her cheeks with her free hand. 

“Alex, what’s wrong?” she asks, worried. 

“I’m so sorry” Alex says, her voice muffled by the tears and the pain and the heartbreaking sobs. “I’m so, so sorry, Christen”.

“About what? Alex, I don’t understand”.

“About everything” Alex answers. “About getting in between you and Tobin and the jealousy and about your mom. When she died, I didn’t even say a word to you. I didn’t call, I d-“.

“Alex” Christen says, taking Alex’s face in her hands. She wipes at Alex’s eyes with her thumbs, gently, so gently that it makes Alex only cry harder. “Alex, please, listen. I hold no resentment toward you whatsoever. What happened between you and Tobin happened way long before I came along and I have no intention of fighting the bond the two of you share. And my mom… I know that you care, Alex. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me and that’s enough for me”. 

Alex shakes her head. “No. No, you _have_ to hate me. Why are you so good to me? I don’t-“.

Christen calls her name once again. “You have nothing to apologise to me for” she says. “You can trust me, Alex. No matter what happens, I’ll always stand by you, even if Tobin and I break up, even if you and Tobin get back together. I won’t ever hold something against you. You’re one of my dearest friends”. 

Alex wants to die. Right here, right in this moment, she wants to die. No heart can possible take this kind of emotional toll, no human can survive such sincerity and purity, selflessness. Alex holds Christen’s hands so tightly she must be hurting her but Christen doesn’t complain. She never does. Now Alex understands what people mean when they write about Christen saying that Christen is the emotional glue that keeps the national team together. Christen works harder than anyone; she attunes herself to everyone else’s feelings and mediates in between the whole of them. If Christen Press breaks, the entire team crumbles on itself. 

Christen hugs her and Alex rests her head on her shoulder. 

“Promise me, Alex” Christen whispers. “Promise me you will fight. For me. I want to see you healthy, back on that field, scoring goals and taking names”. 

Alex rubs at her eyes and takes Christen’s face in her hands. She kisses the corner of Christen’s mouth because she can, because she’s decided to stop questioning every step that she takes. She came back to Portland to break free of her chains and free Alex Morgan is gonna be. 

“I promise you”. 

Alex often makes promises and very rarely keeps them. This one, though - oh, she will die before she betrays this one.

Tobin drives Christen directly to the airport where her teammates are waiting. She parks in the back of the building to avoid possible photographers or indiscreet eyes. She kills the engine and unbuckles her seat belt. Christen does the same and Tobin turns in her seat and wraps her hand around her girlfriend’s neck and kisses her. They make out for a little while, slow and sloppy, wet kisses and tongues lazily chasing each other. Eventually they break apart and Tobin presses a small kiss against Christen’s chin. 

“Man, I don’t want you to go” she says against Christen’s neck. 

Christen laughs. She runs a hand through Tobin’s hair. “Well, I want to go because I want to play”. 

Tobin giggles and settles back on her seat. She relaxes her back and stretches her limbs; her legs still feel a little tender from yesterday’s game but it’s the good kind of pain, the kind she welcomes with open arms. 

“You’re so mean to me” she says, shaking her head. 

Christen softly punches her shoulder. Tobin smiles, closes her eyes. They remain in silence, for a little while - their breathing, the only sound in the car. Even silence feels comfortable with Christen - holy, like the connection that brings them together. 

“Alex and I talked, after the game” Christen says. 

Tobin slowly opens her eyes. She turns to Christen, trying not to let on how disturbed by this she is. In her mind, she always keeps Christen and Alex separated and she tries to do so in her day to day life, too. The thing is, Christen doesn’t seem of the same advice at all; she’s invested in Alex and in their friendship and the more Tobin mistakenly tries to drive them apart, the more they gravitate toward each other like magnets. 

“About what?” She asks.

“Rehab” Christen sighs. “I don’t think it’s going good. I think she doesn’t have enough support”. 

Tobin frowns. “What do you mean? She has her family and her husband and the whole team is fretting over her. Everyone’s showing her their support”. 

“Everyone but the one she wants it from the most. You”. 

Tobin shrugs and bites her lips. “I support her. She knows this. I told her she can count on me for whatever she needs” she says.

Christen raises her eyebrows. “And that’s why you can’t even look at her in the eyes, right?”.

Tobin licks her lips and looks away. She fiddles with the hem of her t-shirt and then rubs at her temple.

“I know what you’re doing” she says. “And I don’t get it. Why do you keep pushing me toward her?”. 

Christen takes her hand and kisses her palm. “It’s only right” she says. “Your friendship is precious and I don’t want you to lose it”. 

“It’s already lost” Tobin answers. “It has been for a while”.

Christen’s stubborn, maybe even more than Alex. She shakes her head and runs her fingers over Tobin’s pulse point on her wrist, smooth tanned skin and little blue veins coming to the surface. 

“I don’t believe so. I’ll fight for it, if you two won’t”. 

“Chris” Tobin sighs. “Why? You should hate her. When you first came to the national team, she was so jealous of you, always talking shit behind your back. Alex was awful to you, and to me, and you-. I don’t get it. Why would you get involved in her shit? You’re the kind of person that always gives all of herself to others, but Alex… she won’t ever be able to give you something in return. She can’t even love her own husband the way he deserves”.

“You think I didn’t know that, that she was talking about me?” Christen asks, crossing her arms over her chest. “Tobin, Alex was scared. She thought I was going to take her position away from her, the position she’s worked her entire life for. She’s apologised so many times and I don’t blame her.This is a hard life, full of uncertainties”. 

Tobin swallows, shaking her head. She wants to cry but she won’t give Alex this satisfaction - she’s come between Christen and her so easily and Tobin won’t let her destroy her once again. Alex’s already had enough of her, she won’t have this, too. Her relationship and friendship with Christen’s the best thing that’s even happened to Tobin’s life and Alex doesn’t have the right to ruin it. 

“Look, baby” Christen says, gently stroking Tobin’s cheek with the her fingers. “This is what I do. I give, and I don’t care if I receive or not. Alex is one of my best friends and I care about her so much and you… I love you, and I can’t take what this is doing to the both of you. You might not realise it but it’s killing you both”. 

Tobin shakes her head. “No” she says, firmly. “I won’t go back to how it was between Alex and me. It hurt me so much. I won’t go through that pain all over again”. 

“But Tobs” Christen replies, trying to make her see reason. “Alex didn’t give you just pain. You both gave so much to each other, both as players and as friends and I know you miss her. We’re all adults here and Alex made her mistakes and you made yours, so why-“.

“You don’t understand” Tobin says, angrily, shaking Christen’s hand away from hers and clenching her fists. 

There’s a pause. 

“Help me understand, then” Christen says, softly. 

Tobin runs her palms down her thighs as she gathers the courage to say, “I only had Alex. I mean, I dated a little in College but I was still trying to understand who I was and how to deal with being gay, my faith and be a female soccer player all at the same time and then Alex came around like a tornado and left me devastated. I loved her so wildly and we got so dependent on one another that there was a time when I couldn’t tell myself from Alex at all. Our love made us into the women and the top players we’re today but it was so toxic and sick and-. I couldn’t see it before, but I see it now, and I don’t want to go back to be that person. I’m in a good place now, with you, and although I do miss Alex very much, I don’t think I’m strong enough to bring all of that back up”. 

Christen pulls her into her arms. Tobin hides her face in Christen’s neck and inhales her sweet, sweet scent and presses her lips to Christen’s warm skin. She never wants to leave here, her safe haven. Christen’s fingers run through her hair in a soothing motion and Tobin closes her eyes and just enjoys the moment. 

“You can never go back in life, Tobin” Christen whispers. “We’re not going back. We’re moving forward. We’ll make new memories, good memories, for you and Alex”.

Tobin doesn’t answer, but she doesn’t need to. She kisses Christen’t mouth and her salty tears wet their joined lips but Christen doesn’t care. She kisses Tobin back and holds her even tighter than before and Tobin feels this urge inside of her - she wants it all. She wants to be the best female soccer player to ever be remembered and she wants Christen and good memories with Alex and a good, long life. 

And she will pray to God for all of this until she loses her voice, until the day she gets it. 

(One day Alex goes to her therapy appointment, shaking with cold sweats and probably fever, and she drops down on her knees and says, I’m ready to talk about Tobin, and so they do).

December brings rain and cold and Alex’s first few hallucinations. She mostly has psychosomatic ones but her therapist says it’s normal. Most of the days she can keep her cravings at bay but the hallucinations hurt her body and her mind so bad that Alex sometimes feels like she will most definitely die if she doesn’t drink something or pops some pills. Whenever she tries she always has people holding her back, though, that being Franch kicking balls at her to distract her or Foord forcing her to play cards on the stadium’s bleachers, hitting her on her shoulder whenever Alex gets too lost in her own head. Alex has few good days and mostly bad days but what she finds comforting about this is that whether it’s a good day or a bad day, Tobin’s always right beside her. Lately, things have started to slowly shift between then. They talk a little bit more and hang out more often and Alex feels blessed. She knows that Tobin’s newfound disposition toward her is mostly Christen’s doing but she’s not gonna complain because turning her head and finding Tobin already there, looking at her, it’s the best feeling in the world and right now, Alex longs to feel good. 

Tobin is sweet and attentive and she makes Alex laugh with her chill attitude and her terrible puns. They never talk about the past but that’s okay because Tobin doesn’t want to remember and Alex only tries to look forward and to get better and she hates the past just as much as Tobin does. They talk about soccer and about the World Cup and about the Thorns and how great this season’s been for the team and in the rare good days Alex has, when she behaves like the old, non-drug addicted Alex, Tobin realizes that she wants to fight for them just as much and just as strongly as Christen. When Tobin lays wide awake at night in her bed, she often wonders about how great the three of them could be together. The World Cup has showed them as much, and Tobin wants to work on it - on helping Alex to come out of her black hole and on building a new, healthy friendship for the both of them; she wants to work on her future with Christen and on her own future, on what her life’s gonna be like after soccer. 

It’s a long road ahead but Tobin’s never minded the hard work. 

“Good practice, girls” Mark tells the team as they get off the pitch. 

He tosses Tobin a bottle of water and Tobin winks at him, smiling. She sprays the water right into her mouth and turns to look at the pitch. She smiles. Providence Park has become her home, the place in which she’s finally growing her roots. Yes, she misses her family some times, but everyone she loves’s here, her team and her friends and her fans.

Alex’s here, too, now, after being gone for so long. 

Tobin’s eyes find her immediately. Alex can’t keep up with practice anymore. She usually goes through a quick workout in the gym and then kicks the ball around for a few minutes before real practice starts. Then, she either spends her time on the bleachers or on the bench with Mark and the rest of the staff, or she catches some sleep in the med bay, whatever she’s most comfortable with. Other times she just finds a little spot all for herself on the field and plays around with her ball. And some times, like today, she just wanders around, confused about everything, with this look in her eyes that immediately tells Tobin that Alex must be hallucinating something. These are the kind of days that make her moody and irritable and force everyone to keep away from her. 

The last time Tobin caught a glimpse of her today was during practice. Alex was practicing her head balancing skills. Now, she’s on her knees on the turf, the ball in front of her; she’s moving it around with her hands like she’s some kind of child - a child who has her knees in a pool of her own vomit. 

“Hey. Why is Alex still there, guys?” Tobin asks the staff out loud. 

“She wouldn’t move and she hit whoever tried to grab her” Mark explains, shaking his head with worry.

Tobin presses her lips together. She wipes the sweat off her face with a towel and then grabs her hoodie. She zips it on as a shiver runs down her spine. It’s getting cold and Alex’s been out there sitting on her knees, without moving, for God knows how long. 

“I’ll go get her” she says.

“Do you think she will listen?” Mark answers.

Tobin shrugs. “I dunno. I’m gonna try, though”. 

Tobin slowly walks to Alex. When she reaches her, Tobin goes down on one knee so that she’s mostly on Alex’s same eye level. The first thing Tobin notices is the scratch marks. Every day there’s more. Alex’s been carrying those around for months but every time Tobin sees them, she swears they look even worse than the time before. Even though Alex chews on her nails, the marks they leave are so deep that she’s made herself bleed a couple of times. Lately Alex’s attention has shifted to her arms and chest and legs and she’s been doing so poorly that her therapist has asked Sonnett and all of their teammates to hide whatever blade they have from Alex’s sight. 

“Hey, Alex” Tobin tentatively says. 

Alex raises her head and looks into Tobin’s eyes. She smiles because this is Tobin and Alex can’t help her feelings. They just are. 

“Hey” she rasps out. Her voice sounds like she hasn’t spoken in centuries and frankly, Alex feels like it, too. “Shouldn’t you be in the ice bath right now?”. 

“I wanted to see how you were doing” Tobin answers. “You’ve been here a while”.

Alex nods. She scratches at the inside of her right arm. “Just-. Just answer me honestly. Do you see anything on my arms? Like, bugs crawling around and stuff?”. 

Tobin swallows. They don’t touch, the two of them, and if they do, it’s only out of necessity or by mistake. Now that she doesn’t feel all that hatred toward Alex anymore, Tobin fears that if she ever touches Alex’s skin again, she won’t be able to stop. Because yes, Alex might be an addict, but Tobin has her own temptations, too, and Alex’s skin is one of those.

Right now, though, it just feels right to gently rub Alex’s arm up and down for a few times, just to make her feel like she’s not going crazy.

“No, there’s no bugs, Alex” Tobin answers. “Do you see them?”. 

“I feel them” Alex answers, moaning in what clearly is annoyance and pain. “They crawl all over my body”. 

Tobin nods. She watches as Alex shakes her head and scratches around her neck and at her shoulders, groaning in frustration. 

“Your lips are all dry” Tobin says, handing her bottle of water to Alex. “Here. You’ll feel better”. 

Alex gulps down the water as if she’s been stranded in the desert for months and it makes Tobin so sad; she wants to help but she has no idea what Alex’s going through. She only knows that Alex feels miserable and if Alex is miserable, so is Tobin. 

Alex drops the bottle in between her legs. 

“I think I threw up on the turf” she mutters, looking at the ground in front of her. 

“On your clothes, too” Tobin adds, pointing at Alex’s t-shirt. 

Alex looks down on her chest. “Oh” she says, upset. 

“It’s okay” Tobin reassures her. “Why don’t we go get you cleaned up? Then, we can go to my house and drink something warm, if you want”. 

Tobin’s house, the apartment she now shares with Christen - Alex hasn’t seen it yet. She’s dying to. Tobin helps her back up on her feet and they kick the ball around, passing it to each other, until they get to the locker rooms. They take turns in taking their showers and then Tobin lands Alex one of her spare Thorns t-shirts. It smells like Tobin and Alex brings it to her face and just inhales. She wants to drown in Tobin’s smell, to be buried in it and if she could’ve chosen to become addicted to this inside of to pills and booze, she would have and she would’ve never gotten into rehab for it; she would’ve been okay with dying because of it - the sweetest death of them all. 

Tobin’s new house is nice. It’s a good neighborhood, not far away from Providence Park, and it’s surrounded by green. Tobin’s neighbours are an elderly couple who smile every time they see Tobin and they wish her good luck before every game. Tobin says they’re big fans and watch every match on TV. They always compliment her when she gets back home and most importantly, they’re not invasive. They let Tobin and Christen keep their privacy and they also let them walk their dog after Church on Sunday, some times. 

It amazes Alex how Tobin went from not even owning a house, jumping from couch to couch, to this kind of stability; Alex, on the other hand, went through the opposite process. She went from stability to agony to madness. 

Tobin shows her around a little. The building it’s a two stories house and along with expensive furnitures, there’s also Tobin’s art hanging all over the walls. The bedrooms are upstairs. The living room is quite wide and there’s a huge flat screen on the wall. Alex can see Christen’s touch in some spots. The kitchen’s definitely all her because Tobin can’t do much except from breakfast food, smoothies, protein shakes and basic meals like pasta; Tobin’s longboards are all well arranged at the entrance and so are her shoes; there’s no more dirty dishes piled up in the sink or clothes lying around; trophies and medals and signature balls are all well placed inside a glass cabinet. 

They’re not the people they used to be. Those times have long gone and they will never come back. Tobin’s not the messy tomboy who left her things all over the place anymore and Alex’s doesn’t have her life all figured out no more but that’s okay. They’ve grown, perhaps without even realising it, into these strong women who fail and get back up again. The ground it’s tender, it doesn’t hurt anymore and the sky is just at the distance of a finger. 

Tobin makes this new green tea her mother’s been wanting her to try and then hands Alex an Arsenal mug. They settle down on the couch with the TV on some Friends rerun and they sip quietly. Tobin’s house is warm and Tobin’s closeness is even more. She’s on the other end of the couch but to Alex it feels like she’s right beside her. If she closes her eyes, they’re twenty all over again, and they’re wild and in love, with their entire life in front of them.

“How does it taste?” Tobin asks. 

Alex shrugs, smiling. “It all tastes like dirty socks to me lately but this does taste slightly better so I guess it must be good”. 

Tobin presses her lips together. “I’m sorry”.

“Don’t be” Alex replies. “You didn’t ask anything bad, Tobs”. 

“You’re very miserable, aren’t you?” Tobin whispers.

Alex nods. She doesn’t want to lie. 

“Yeah. I want to get high. I want to get drunk and high and just… go away, for a little while” she confesses. “My therapist says that I will have to fight against the urge for the rest of my life. I got myself two jobs, soccer and resisting cravings. Funny, uh?”. 

Alex laughs because this is how her life is going to be, from today to the day she dies, and if she doesn’t laugh about it, if she lets herself be beat down again, she won’t survive. She’s avoided death once, after collapsing on that field - she has no intention of repeating the experience. Alex has something to fight for now, and that something, or rather someone, is sitting here on this couch with her. 

“Why do you want to get high?” Tobin asks. 

“Because I think of you, and I feel bad about it”. 

Tobin swallows and she turns to look at Alex. They don’t talk about this. They’re going to now, though - the right conversation at the right time.

“Why do you feel bad about it?”. 

“Because of Christen” Alex says, blowing on her tea. “And because I want to do right by you. I want your trust and your affection back and I won’t get that if I behave like I used to. So, when I think of all my mistakes, my situation with Servando and betraying Christen’s friendship and wanting you back, I feel guilty and I want to get high or drunk or possibly both”.

Tobin nods, taking a sip from her mug. 

“Do you think that if I hadn’t been so curt with you the night of the final-“.

“Please don’t say it” Alex interrupts her. “Actually, don’t even think about it. It’s not your fault, Tobin. And if somehow I made you think that it is, I’m so sorry. I never meant to. Everything that happened, I brought it on myself. What you said that night it’s true. It’s just that realising it, it hurt so much that I couldn’t cope”. 

Tobin swallows and nods. She brings her knees up and stretches on the couch before crossing her ankles. Alex watches as the muscles in her calves and thighs contract; she knows how strong Tobin is, how taut and firm her muscles are - she’s had her hands all over her. Before anyone else, before Christen, there was Alex and as long as no one forgets that, it doesn’t matter what happens, Alex will be fine with it. 

“Do you miss me?” Alex asks. 

Tobin nods and smiles a little. “Of course I do, Alex” she says. “I miss my friend and my confidant and I guess, my lover, too, in some twisted way”. 

Alex bites her lip and smiles, hiding behind her hair. She misses intimacy with Tobin, obviously, and she misses many more things that she will never be able to get back, at least not fully but that’s okay. Their time has come and passed and now all they have is blank pages waiting to be filled up with new adventures and stories and memories. Alex can’t wait. 

“I’d like you to trust me again” Alex says, looking down at the dark liquid in her mug. 

“I think we can work on that” Tobin nods. 

“I don’t want to hurt you like I did” Alex whispers. 

Tobin swallows, running a hand though her hair. “Look, Alex, we’re adults and we make mistakes” she says, quoting Christen’s words to her. “We hurt each other in the past and I think it’s unavoidable that we’ll hurt each other again at some point, however-“.

“Tobs-“.

“However” Tobin continues. “I’m willing to take on the heartache. I think our friendship’s worth it. So, from now on, if we hurt each other, we talk it out. I want us to communicate, Alex - no more secrets and no more running”. 

“No more running” Alex repeats, smiling. 

They go on sipping their warm tea in silence, watching the TV and giggling every once in a while when something funny happens. At some point, Alex feels Tobin’s toe pocking her in the ribs and she turns to her. Tobin’s looking at her funny.

“What time is it in Orlando right now?” She asks.

Alex shrugs. “Around lunch time, I guess. Why?”.

Tobin pulls her phone out of her sweatpants. “Wanna prank Ash and Ali?”. 

Alex grins widely. “Oh, yeah. Bring it on”. 

Tobin masks her ID and then calls first Ash and then Ali and as soon as they answer, she hangs up. They do this once, twice, three times and eventually they let Ash answer the phone call and Ashlyn curses at them so much that Alex swears she will never let a single ‘Fuck’ escape her mouth ever again. Eventually, Tobin gives Alex a ride back to Sonnett’s apartment. Before Alex leaves the car, she tentatively holds her hand out to Tobin, and surprisingly enough, Tobin tangles her fingers with hers. They hold hands for a little while and then Alex leaves. The forward falls asleep with a big smile on her face that night and even though at some point she wakes up all sweaty from the nightmares and shaking with cravings, Alex has never felt happier. 

Tobin asks her if she wants to go to Church with her and a few of the girls one Sunday. Alex says yes because it’s not like she has more important things to do. They get breakfast first and then they walk in a tight group to the Church. 

“You think God wants a junkie in his house?” Alex asks.

Tobin rubs her hands together, trying to warm up a little, and then turns to look at Alex. She nods and says, “I think he wants you there the most”. 

Mass is good.Alex hasn’t been in a long time. Her faith is not as strong as Tobin’s, it swings like a pendulum. Some times Alex believes, other times she believes that there’s nothing to believe in at all. They sit in the back and Alex gets squeezed in between Tobin and this old woman with white hair and a nice smile. Kling, Horan and Sinc are behind her and every once in a while Lindsey rests her hands on Alex’s shoulders and pinches her lightly and that would annoy anyone else, but not Alex - she finds it rather comforting. Alex’s thigh is pressed against Tobin’s warm one and Alex is dying to just place her hand on Tobin’s knee but she doesn’t; Tobin might not want her to and plus, Alex guesses that fantasising about her female ex-lover in a Church is already risky enough, she doesn’t need to be feeling her up, too. 

It’s a good service, Alex imagines. She doesn’t listen much. She gets distracted by the pictures and the statues and the crowd around her. She goes through a moment of utter panic, at some point, when her skin gets tight all of a sudden and she starts to feel the bugs moving around on her arms and shoulder, the prickling of their little paws against her flesh. She tries to scratch them away but with her clothes on she can’t get as much friction as she wishes and she starts to hyperventilate. She wants to take her clothes off and claw her eyes out and shed her skin like snakes do because this skin of hers it’s not good anymore, has got through too much. 

She’s one second away from yelling out in frustration when Tobin’s hand gently grabs hers. 

“It’s okay” Tobin whispers. “I’m here”. 

Yes, Alex thinks, Tobin’s here, and she’s warm and strong and real, the realest thing Alex’s ever touched. She keeps her hand in Tobin’s until the priest dismisses them. Before they leave, Alex briefly turns her head, acting on some kind of instinct. The old woman’s there. They share a look, and then old woman smiles and nods in Alex’s direction and Alex smiles back at her. 

The bugs have stopped crawling on her skin. 

They decide to go to Sinc’s house to warm up a little. Kling turns into the designed DJ and puts some music on. More of the girls come join them and soon enough Sinc’s house turns into a frat party of some kind and it’s only 11:30 in the morning. There’s people posting stories on Instagram and other people eating all of Sinc’s junk food. There’s no alcohol around, although Alex’s told everyone that she’s cool with them drinking. When Allie calls Alex for their daily FaceTime, Alex asks Tobin if she wants to join in and Tobin immediately agrees. They spend some time on Christine’s bean bags talking soccer with Allie and cracking jokes and saying how much they miss each other. When they hang up, Alex slides down onto her bean bag and rests her hands on her stomach. She closes her eyes and relaxes her head, hearing the bones in her neck crack a few times. She turns to her right to find Tobin messing with her own phone, probably texting Christen or her family. Tobin’s legs hang out of the bean bag and the right one’s swinging back and forth in the air. She’s wearing ripped jeans, her Nikes and a blue hoodie, a trusty, soft beanie on her head. She’s let her hair down and Alex is close enough that she can smell Tobin’s perfume and fresh scent.

“How’s Christen?” Alex asks.

Tobin shrugs and smiles a little. She puts her phone away. “She’s okay” she says. “She’s flying in next week for a few days”. 

“That’s nice” Alex smiles. She feels the usual tug in her stomach that tells her to just reach out and kiss Tobin, screw Christen and loyalty and respect, and if this was the messed up drunk Alex on drugs, then she would’ve done it, but she’s not that Alex anymore - or at least, she tries not to be.

“Are you going to take her out?”. 

Tobin laughs. “Nah, I don’t think so. We’ll both be pretty tired so I guess we’re just going to stay in and eat junk food in front of the TV”.

“Sounds like a plan” Alex agrees. 

“Yeah, it’s sweet” Tobin says, shoving her hands in the pockets of her jeans. “How’s Serv? Is he going to come visit you soon?”. 

Alex bites her lip. “We’ve been talking on the phone” she says. “He wants to come but I told him not to”.

Tobin frowns. “Can I ask why?”. 

Alex scratches at her cheek, picking with her nails at the crust of some older and deeper scratch she’s given herself which has scarred. 

“We’re not doing that great together, anymore. I make him unhappy and it would be mean of me to just keep stringing him along only because I don’t want to be alone” Alex explains. “I think we’re going to be separating soon”. 

“Ah” Tobin whispers. “I’m sorry, Alex”. 

“It’s just for the best” Alex points out. 

Ellie and Hayley pop up in front of them and they crash their party for a little while, but they’re welcome. Carpenter hands Alex a bottle of water and some chips and then gives Tobin some apple cider or something, before letting herself fall on Alex’s bean bag, sprawling all over the forward. Hayley sits down on the floor in front of them and they talk and laugh for a little while passing the bag of chips around. Kling comes to ask if they want to play some video games. Hayley and Ellie go because apparently they have this bet going on about who wins more races at Mario Kart. Alex and Tobin are alone once again. 

Tobin fixes the beanie on her head and rubs at her neck.

“You know, I think of you, too” she says. 

Alex turns to look at her, smiling. She hold her hand out for Tobin, leaving the decision to her. Tobin links their pinkies together and they let their hands swing in between the two bean bags. 

“What do you think of?” Alex asks. 

“All of our first times” Tobin smiles. “First meeting, first game together. Our first World Cup”. 

“I think of the World Cup, too. A lot, actually”. 

Tobin laughs. “Yeah, it was good. Both times. Hope we’ll win the next one, too”. 

Alex nods, drinking from her bottle of water. In 2023 she will be thirty-four and Tobin will be thirty-five and only God know if they will still be playing or be retired. Four years feels like a lifetime to a professional athlete. So many things can happen - Alex’s learned that on her own skin. She’s never considered drugs in her life before and all it took was just some jealousy and extreme heartache to turn her into this walking disaster. 

“The first Cup we won” Alex begins. “Were you and Christen together already?”. 

Tobin frowns and for a moment, Alex’s scared Tobin is going to push her away but she doesn’t. Tobin keeps holding her hand. 

“Uh, kind of” she answers. “I only asked her out seriously after we were back in the States”. 

“I gather that you luckily didn’t cook for her, seeing that she’s still alive” Alex jokes.

Tobin laughs and shakes her head. “Nope. We went out for dinner and then went back to my place. It was cool”. 

“Back to your place, uh?” Alex repeats, raising her eyebrows suggestively. 

Tobin blushes lightly and knocks her shoulder into Alex’s. “Shut up, Alex” she says giggling. 

They lay together in silence for a little while, just staring at the ceiling. Alex feels good. She wants to keep feeling this invincible.

“I have to go” Alex says, sighing, looking down at her phone’s screen. “I have to see my therapist in fifteen minutes”. 

Tobin nods. “Do you need a ride?”.

Alex smiles, shaking her head. “No, don’t worry. I’m gonna take a walk”. 

They both get up on their feet and after Alex’s said goodbye to all the girls, Tobin walks her to the door. They awkwardly stand there, in front of each other, Tobin swinging on her feet and Alex biting her lip until Tobin reaches out and draws Alex into her arms. Alex can’t believe this is actually happening. She places her hands on Tobin’s hips, enjoying the firmness of the muscles and the softness that still clings to Tobin whatever she does and no matter how hard she works out. They separate quickly but Alex doesn’t mind. 

She feels so light she might get wings and fly. 


	3. glory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friends, the end is near (literally). 
> 
> For those of you who will make it to the end, I'll see you all there.

**we used to think it was impossible,**

**now you call me by my new last name.**

**memories seem like so long ago,**

**time always kills the pain.**

**remember Harbor Boulevard,**

**the dreaming days where the mess was made?**

**look how all the kids have grown,**

**we have changed but we’re still the same.**

**after all that we’ve been through,**

**I know we’re cool.**

gwen stefani, cool.

The wedding is beautiful. Alex cries as Ali and Ashlyn recite their vows and then cries some more when they’re finally declared wife and wife and kiss each other under a shower of cheers and flowers, hopes and dreams. Then they dance and Servando holds her tight as they swing in the middle of the dance floor. Alex rests her head on his shoulder and she sheds tears for everything that she’s lost and for everything that she’s got back. In front of her, in the darkest corner of the room, Tobin has her arms wrapped around Christen’s waist and she’s whispering words in her ear as Christen smiles so bright, swinging to the music’s tempo; Alex’s heart hurts but she doesn’t mind anymore. When it’s time for the embarrassing speeches, Alex speaks, proudly holding up her glass of water, and she talks about friendship and love and trust and about bonds that are simply meant to be, like the one Ali and Ash share. Before she’s even done with her speech, she has everyone’s arms around her, Pinoe whispering in her ear that they got her, that nothing will ever get in between the people on this team. Alex leaves early, after dancing her heart out with Kelley and Allie, laughing her ass off with Pinoe and the newly-weds and eating probably too much ice-cream with Christen and Tobin. Servando and her go back to their old house in Orlando, the house no one’s lived in for months, now. Alex spends the entire night crying because she can’t be in this house without remembering everything that’s been, and when Serva holds her and asks her if there’s something he can do, Alex just shakes her head and says that these are not bad tears - these are happy tears, the tears of the suffering it takes to stay alive.

At Christmas, Alex goes back to California. She spends time with her family and Servando and she tries to enjoy herself the best she can but she feels like she’s being haunted by her ghosts and she can’t sleep, not knowing that in the bathroom right next to her room there’s exactly what she needs to feel better. Pills, so many pills, her old antidepressants, painkillers and muscle relaxants. She works hard and tries to keep her mind away from such temptations. Things with Servando are not good. They don’t really speak anymore and when they’re in the same room, things get awkward quickly. They’re both waiting for the other to let go but Alex knows that she will have to take the first step and she will. This will be a violent and painful separation but still, a necessary one. She texts Tobin a few times and on Christmas morning, Tobin sends her a pictures of Christen and her with both their families. They’re wearing questionable Christmas sweater and fuzzy socks and Alex texts her back wishing them a happy Christmas and telling her that they all look very cute. Alex also sends a heart emoji and Tobin answers with the same one. That night, Alex falls asleep holding her phone to her chest, as if she’s fifteen again, and she thinks that this one, this is definitely the most beautiful Christmas’ gift she’s ever got. Christen calls her for New Year’s Eve and she’s so sweet, asking her how she’s doing and asking about so many things because she says she misses her and that she wants to hear Alex’s voice. 

The truth is, Alex’s been doing better, lately. Love does that to a person - it takes you apart and then puts you back together. Now, she only thinks about getting wasted once or twice a day and not 24/7 anymore; her nausea’s getting better and so are her stomachaches and headaches. She still gets pretty bad cramps and really messy hallucinations about things crawling on her skin and she still does freak out a little whenever she has a bad withdrawal crisis, but by the time March rolls around Alex’s feeling pretty good. 

At the start of the month Mark decides to organize a small bonding trip to the seaside. He asks the team if they think that Alex can make it, if it won’t be too hard for her. 

“We’ll all take care of Alex” Sonnett says.

The whole team nods in agreement. 

“Tobin, what do you think?” Mark asks, then, and the whole room turns to look at her because they know that Tobin just knows better and that her opinion’s just as much as important as the doctors’. 

Tobin fiddles with her sweatshirt’s zipper and shrugs. “Uh, Alex’s strong. I don’t think she’ll get into trouble and if she does we’ll be there for her”. 

Mark smiles and nods. When he tells Alex to pack something warm because it will be windy, Alex can’t contain her enthusiasm and just jumps on his, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her trading to the Thorns is nearly finalised. The company’s told her that they’re just waiting to finish tidying up the last few loose ends with Orlando Pride and her management and that by September, Alex will be a Thorn once again, and so Alex’s looking forward to some boding with the team. She’s been gone for four years and many things have changed, many new players have arrived and Alex wants to get to know all of them. 

Of course a few days before they have to leave, she gets so sick she throws up blood and they find out that her rehab meds have been messing with the acids in her stomach, hurting her organs and her tissues in the process. She has to switch meds and so by the time they arrive to Rockaway Beach, Alex is groggy and her head feels pretty foggy. 

“Tobin and Alex, are you good with rooming together?” Mark asks them.

Alex slowly turns to look at Tobin. She nervously bites down on her nails because she does want to share the hotel room with Tobin but not if Tobin doesn’t want to. 

“Yeah, it’s cool” Tobin nods, smiling. 

She collects the room’s key from Mark and then encourages Alex to follows her with a nod of her head. Alex feels kind of numb, heavily medicated, but she’s smiling so wide that her cheekbones are actually hurting. Their room is nice. It has a small balcony that gives directly on the ocean. There’s two single beds in the room and Alex takes the one closer to the window because Tobin doesn’t like to be this close to highs. Time might have passed but she’s never forgotten what Tobin likes. Alex drops down on her bed on her stomach. She turns around a few times, trying to get comfortable. 

“Hey, you want to take a selfie?” Tobin asks. “Chris asked what we’re up to”. 

Alex rubs her eyes and nods. “Sure”. 

Tobin sits down at the end of the bed and then raises her phone over her head. Alex smiles and make the peace sign with her fingers. Tobin snaps the photo and then sends it to Christen, then, she throws her phone on her bed. She turns to look at Alex, who’s laying down on her back on the bed. 

“Are you tired?” Tobin asks.

Alex nods. “The new meds are kicking my ass”. 

Tobin nods. “That sucks, man. I’m sorry”. 

“It’s fine” Alex replies, shrugging, yawning behind her hand. 

Tobin’s phone goes off with a new text. She reads it and then giggles, before showing the screen to Alex. Christen’s text says, _Hey cuties. Thnx for my new lock screen._

“Worst lock screen ever” Alex comments. 

Tobin nods, slipping the phone in the large single pocket in the front of her hoodie. It’s a nice hoodie. Dark blue. It looks soft and comfy and Alex briefly brushes her fingers over the texture. The texture feels good against her skin. She kind of feels like she’s on LSD but as long as Tobin’s here with her, it’s all good to Alex. 

“Tobs” Alex says, resting her back against the bed’s headboard. “Are you and Christen jealous of each other?”. 

Tobin frowns. She kicks her shoes off and then settles down in front of Alex, crossing her legs. 

“Not really” she answers. “I mean, you know me, I’m not a very jealous person. We keep a very low profile and I’m sure about my feelings for Chris and so is she. Of course if someone bothers her, I get annoyed and I’m going to stand up for her but Christen can look after herself”. 

Tobin laughs but Alex doesn’t feel like giggling or joining in Tobin’s laugh at all.

“Do you love her?”. 

Tobin licks her lips. “Yes, I do”. 

“Do you think you will marry her?”. 

“Maybe” Tobin shrugs. “I don’t know. I’d like to, maybe after I retire but… We’ve never actually talked about it and it’s not like we’re both dying to U-Haul or anything”. 

Tobin tries to crack jokes and relieve the tension that’s formed in the room but it’s useless. Alex wants to know, she wants to get down and dirty and take it all out. She wants all the venom she can take. Alex brings her knees to her chest and rubs at her eyes. She feel tears behind her eyelids and tries to blink them away. 

“Alex, please don’t cry” Tobin whispers and when Alex raises her head to look at her friend, she sees that Tobin’s eyes are bloodshot, too, and that exactly like Alex, she’s forcing herself not to cry. 

“I get jealous of you” Alex says. “You’re not mine and yet I’m jealous of you”.

She blames the meds and the tiredness from the trip. She always has to find something else to blame because Alex can’t believe that these words can actually come out of her mouth, that the things she’s done have actually happened. But they did. Things happened and the words that Alex never wants to hear are the same ones that she herself pronounces.

“Uh” Tobin says, looking away from Alex and running a hand through her hair. “It’s okay if you are. It doesn’t make me mad anymore”. 

Alex cries even harder. “It’s not okay” she whispers, taking her head in her hands. “It’s not okay. We’re not okay”.

“Alex, please” Tobin sobs. “We _are _okay. I promise you. Please, stop crying”.

Alex can’t. It’s a waterfall. The more she tries to control it, the more she cries. Her nose goes all runny and sobs and tears clog up her airways and Alex feels like she can’t breath - she hasn’t been able to breath for a long time. She’s stopped breathing the moment she left Portland all those years ago. Tobin crawls on the bed until she’s kneeling in front of Alex and she takes Alex’s head in her hands. Their foreheads meet in the middle. Alex fists Tobin’s t-shirt in her hands, paws at her chest and arms like a starving woman, hungry for affection, trying to get Tobin to come closer. She wants to merge her skin with Tobin’s - she wants them to become one, to share their bodies and their hearts once again. 

“How can we be okay when I love you so much?” Alex moans, crying. “I want you so bad, Tobs, so bad. You don’t understand. I wan to be with you and you don’t want me. Why don’t you want me? Why-“.

Alex chokes on her words as she lets Tobin wraps her hands around her neck. Squeeze, Alex wants to tell her. Just squeeze until there’s no more life in me because I’m tired. I’m so tired.

“I said I wanted to be better for you and I do. I want to give you everything and take you places and make love to you in every country we visit and I don’t care, Tobin, I don’t care what other people think. I just-. I’d give anything, _anything, _to have you take me back”.

Tobin’s tears fall on Alex’s t-shirt and they both cry this poisonous love of theirs out of their pores. Their noses briefly touch as Tobin turns her head to look at Alex in the eyes. 

“Alex” she whispers. “See, you’re the love of my youth, my first love, and I’ll never, ever be able to stop loving you. In my heart, I’m always going to be in love with you, but Christen… Christen is the love of my adulthood. She’s waited so long for me and she’s the one I chose. I want to try and see if I can built a future with her. I want to share my life with her”. 

Alex thinks her heart is exploding inside her chest. It hurts so much. No matter how tightly Tobin is holding her, it’s not enough. Alex’s wounds are all open and she’s bleeding out. She won’t make it. She needs something. Yes. Alex needs to go rob the whole bar, drink all the bottles, and maybe steal some painkillers, whatever might help her to just stop feeling. She moves and kicks, trying to break free of Tobin’s arms but it’s no use. She struggles and struggles but Tobin holds her down. Alex’s addiction has made her weaker and Tobin’s always been so strong. 

“Alex, stop” Tobin says, nudging Alex’s cheek with her nose. 

“No” Alex cries out. “I need-. I need something, I-“.

“You don’t need that shit” Tobin says, gently taking Alex’s chin in her hand and forcing her to lock eyes. “_I_ need you. I need my Alex. I want my Alex, the real Alex, not the insane, drugged up one”. 

Alex holds her breath. She bites her lip as she wraps her hand around Tobin’s necklace - Tobin’s rings and chains, her promises to God and to her family, the ones she’s always kept. Alex opens her mouth to speak, but as usual, as it always happens whenever her eyes meet Tobin’s ones, nothing comes out. The words get stuck in her mouth, sandpaper in her throat. 

“I won’t leave ever again” Alex says, licking her lips, tasting her own salty tears on her tongue. “But you have to promise me”. 

“What do you need?” Tobin whispers. She lowers her head until her forehead’s touching Alex’s shoulder, her ear right next to Alex’s mouth. 

“Promise you won’t leave me either” Alex says. “That whatever happens in our lives, we will stay together. If we leave each other again, I won’t survive”. 

“I promise you, Alex” Tobin whispers. “We’ll take care of each other”. 

Alex turns her head. Her lips brush Tobin’s cheek and Tobin’s skin is so smooth and she smells so good that it makes Alex loose her mind all over again, only that this time it’s a totally different kind of crazy. It’s good crazy, it’s the butterflies that twirls around in the stomach, making you dizzy with passion and hopes - this is the good love, the one that came back to life from its own ashes, the bittersweet kind of love that sticks with you for the rest of your life. 

Alex releases Tobin’s necklace and rests her hand on Tobin’s chest, right over her heart. Tobin’s heartbeat it’s all that matters. Alex listens to it with her hand, with her mind - with her own heart. 

The next day is fun. In the morning they do some bonding activities with the coaches, play stupid games that make Alex smile and laugh and then they go to the beach in the afternoon. It’s windy and a little cold but they all warm up pretty soon, kicking the ball around and chasing each other. Tobin mostly hangs with Meghan and Sinc and Alex spends her time with Lindsey or Sonnet and even Mark. She’s still pretty drowsy from the meds and she doesn’t play around much, just juggles and dribbles a little with Franch, or simply stays on her phone, texting Allie or Kelley. She doesn’t feel cut out. She’s slowly starting to get back into practicing harder, building her resistance and endurance back up; her doctors and Mark say that by the time she signs her contract to be back with the Thorns, she’ll be more than ready to play. They’re all hopeful and supportive and it gives Alex just the exact amount of kick to work her ass off even harder than before. She wants to play, to be back on the field and she definitely can’t wait to put her Thorns jersey back on. 

By the time they retire to their rooms for the night, after dinner, Alex’s body is running on pure adrenaline, electricity flowing through her veins and through her tissues. She feels like she needs to get her hands on something but something that it’s not booze or pills. It feels like an old memory, this urge she has. The addiction and the rehab have taken much from Alex, and in the last few months her libido’s been pretty much non existent; even those few times she’s slept with Serva, it was mostly out of frustration and it all felt like a itch she needed to scratch because she didn’t have access to way more satisfying things - drugs. 

And yet, as she looks at Tobin from across the room, Alex wonders if perhaps it’s just a Tobin thing - it’s always because of her. It doesn’t matter if Alex is high or drunk, pissed off, miserable, sick, sad or happy, married or single, Tobin always makes her stomach warm and her cunt wet. It’s not even a temporary thing, it’s a permanent state of mind and body. It was like this before marrying Serva, before Christen, before everything went to hell, before they sort of mended things, and it is like this right now - Tobin takes a breath and Alex gets wet. She doesn’t even pay attention to it anymore, she doesn’t notice it because that’s just what Tobin has always done to her since the first moment they met. They’re laying in their own beds, a men soccer game on the TV. Tobin’s legs are dangling from the bed, her bare feet touching the floor every once in a while, and she’s leaning back on her elbows. She’s wearing ripped jeans and a long sleeved soccer practice t-shirt. It’s tight, wrapped around her torso, showing off the well lined shapes of her abs and the sweet, soft swell of her breasts. Alex can’t take her eyes off her. It’s impossible to do so. She’s missing the whole game. She doesn’t even know what teams are playing. She surely hopes neither of them is Servando’s.

They’ve been sharing a bag of M&M’s until Alex’s stomach started to feel queasy and so now Tobin’s in full control of the snacks. Tobin throws the chocolate in the air and then catches it with her mouth. She never misses. Whenever something exciting happens on TV, Tobin hums and nods and smiles or says, Nice, prolonging the ‘i’s because she still acts as if she’s thirteen. She can see Tobin’s hard nipples through the t-shirt and that’s just enough to make Alex’s brain go into a full blackout. All the wires get disconnected and Alex is left alone with her own dark and unreasonable urges.

Alex’s up on her feet before she can even realize it. She marches toward Tobin. She stands next to the bed and Tobin looks up at her, confused. Alex grabs the bag of M&M’s and puts it on the floor. Tobin opens her mouth to say something but Alex doesn’t let her. She presses a hand to Tobin’s chest and pushes her down on the bed.

“Uh…” Tobin moans. 

Alex swallows. Her hands have been trembling a lot, lately, but they don’t shake at all when she undoes Tobin’s jeans, popping the button open and brushing her fingers over the black briefs underneath; she’s about to lower the zipper down when Tobin grabs her wrist.

“No” she says.

Alex stops. She looks at Tobin in the eyes, positive that she’s going to find only anger. She doesn’t. Tobin looks surprised, of course, but not too upset. It kind of looks like she knew something like this would happen. 

“I want to make you feel good” Alex says, running a finger along the waistband of Tobin’s underwear. Her nails scratch under Tobin’s t-shirt, right next to her navel. Tobin lets her; there’s goosebumps running all over the midfielder’s tanned skin and it makes Alex’s spine tremble. 

Tobin tightens her hold on Alex’s wrist.

“You said you wanted my trust” she says, slowly, slurring her words a little. “I can’t give you that if you do this to me”. 

“I won’t ever get the chance to see you like this again” Alex says. “You’re with someone else now. I’m letting you go and I need you to give me one last thing, please?”. 

Tobin shakes her head. “I won’t cheat on Christen”. 

Alex bites her lip. She stares down at Tobin, at her pretty and tanned face, a dust of freckles on her cheeks. She swallows and then she falls down on her knees, on the floor. Alex touches her forehead to the bed and sighs.

“I wouldn’t let you, anyway”. 

Tobin doesn’t say anything, at first. She runs a hand down her chest, smoothing her t-shirt down over her undone jeans. 

“What do you want to do to me?” Tobin whispers, blushing.

“I want to suck your clit and put my fingers inside you. I want to come all over your bed, Tobs, and lick every inch of your skin” Alex answers, resting her head on her arm. She looks at Tobin and Tobin looks back at her. She always does. The midfielder’s still laying on her back, her arms relaxed at her sides and every once in a while she moves her hands and plays with the hem of her t-shirt, twisting it around her fingers. 

“Yeah?”.

“Yes” Alex nods, licking her lips. “I haven’t had some in so long. I don’t let him fuck me anymore”. 

Tobin swallows. She runs her hands down her thighs as she always does whenever she’s turned on and Alex knows this. She’s never forgotten it. Alex stretches her arm out and hooks one finger on one of Tobin’s jeans loops. She wants to bite and lick and she has to bite her tongue because she’s already fucked up enough, at least for today.

“Do you fuck her or does she fuck you?” Alex asks. 

Tobin smiles a little, looking away from Alex. “You know the answer to that”.

“I want to hear you say it”. 

Tobin turns her head. She touches Alex’s cheek with one finger, scratching a little. Alex blows air into her cheeks and then releases it and Tobin giggles and Alex smiles because she never wants to stop making Tobin happy. 

“She fucks me, most of the times” Tobin says. 

“You still like to take it, uh?”. 

“I do” Tobin mumbles, shrugging. 

“Some things never change, do they?”. 

Tobin bites the inside of her cheek, nodding. “Some things never change”, she repeats, and then she pats the empty spot on the bed right next to her. 

Alex hesitates for a few seconds, before jumping up onto the bed. With one hand, she reaches down on the floor and grabs the half empty pack of M&M’s. She brings one to her mouth. Alex likes the red ones the most. Tobin used to always save her as much as she could, back when they were still living together in Portland and Alex was cheating on her fiancee; now, she’s probably saving them for Christen but that’s alright. That’s just growing up. 

Tobin puts her hand into the small bag and takes out a blue M&M’s. She brings it to Alex’s mouth and Alex takes it in between her teeth. Tobin’s finger rests on her lips and Alex is scared but she does it anyway - she licks at Tobin’s finger, only one long swipe of her tongue and then it’s all over and all that remains is Tobin’s taste.

“You taste sweet” Alex says.

“Yeah, uh, new diet, new protein shake” Tobin slowly answers, blushing. “Apparently it makes my skin, liquids and, uh, _stuff_, taste different”. 

“Strawberry?”.

“Uh-uh” Tobin nods, resting her hands on her stomach. 

“I like it” Alex whispers.

It’s all silent for a few minutes. Tobin crunches on her M&M’s and Alex would like to think about something, anything, but her mind is empty. There’s literally nothing inside.

“I have to piss” Tobin whispers then, rolling off the bed. She locks herself in and Alex doesn’t blame her. 

“Asshole” Alex mutters to herself. “You’re an asshole, Morgan”. 

Tobin comes out of the bathroom a few moments later. Alex thinks about going back to her own bed, but then tells herself that if Tobin wants her to go away, she will tell her herself. Tobin can speak for herself know - she’s found her voice, and her voice is firm and loud. They settle down one right next to each other, shoulders pressed together because the bed is way too small for the both of them. They don’t care. 

“I’m sorry about before. Are we okay?” Alex asks.

Tobin smiles. “We are” she says, linking their pinkies together.

At some point they both fall asleep. Alex wakes up at dawn. The TV’s still on and she shuts it off. Tobin’s moved during the night and she’s now laying on her stomach. Alex can feel the warmth of her body, heavy and soft with sleep. She stares at Tobin for a few more minutes, presses her nose into Tobin’s hair, before getting up. Alex goes back to her own bed. She rolls onto her side and after a few minutes, she falls back asleep, smiling. 

The second time Alex wakes up is to Tobin shaking her awake. It’s their last day here and they will be leaving to go back to Portland before lunch. They go down for breakfast and Alex takes her meds; her head gets a little wobbly but she tries to stay focused and listen to what Mark says during the last bonding discussion of the trip. They also play a few more games and draw odd pictures and when Mark tells them to take a piece of paper and anonymously write what’s their wish for next season, Alex writes, _I want to play soccer, love and be free_, and she really feels that. After packing their bags, they all kick around the ball for a little while, waiting for the bus to come around. 

Alex takes a seat in the back of the bus. The meds make her head heavy and so she’s hoping to catch some sleep, maybe text her mom and her sisters a little, but then Tobin comes up at her side.

“Can I sit with you?” she asks.

Alex smiles so widely her jaw hurts. “You don’t have to ask”. 

“Yeah it’s all very romantic but move your ass out of the way, big guy” Kling says, interrupting them and shoving Tobin a little, trying to get to her own seat. 

“Fuck off, dude” Tobin giggles, kicking at Kling’s shin.

“Settle down, girls” Mark calls at them, giving them an amused but warning look.

Tobin falls down on the seat next to Alex. She pops her feet up on the bar in front of her and fixes the beanie on her head. She’s messy and beautiful as she fails to hide a yawn behind her hand and Alex feels her heart swelling with love. Tobin’s jeans look like they might explode, so tight around her calves and thighs, and Alex recalls what Kling’s called Tobin just a few seconds ago. 

Alex wraps her hand around Tobin’s strong bicep and rubs up and down a couple of times. 

“You’ve gotten so strong”. 

Tobin giggles, blushing a little. “I’ve been lifting a lot” she explains. “Mark actually told me I’m getting a little too buff”. 

“You stud” Alex jokes.

Tobin scratches her neck and smiles. “I have no idea what that means”. 

Alex laughs. She turns on her seat, turning onto her side, so that all of her attention is on Tobin (not that it would ever be on someone or something else, except for soccer).

“I think it’s like a variation of butch or something” Alex explains. “I don’t know. I’m getting old and I’m a little behind with the slang nowadays. We should look it up on Urban Dictionary”. 

Tobin swallows, shoving her hands in her pockets. “Right” she hums, looking down at her chest. 

“I’m sorry” Alex says, immediately. “I know you don’t like being called that. Butch”.

Tobin sighs, shrugging. “It’s okay” she says, turning her head to smile at Alex. “It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, now”.

“But it does bother you a little” Alex points out. 

“I guess” Tobin nods, snuffling. “It’s just-. It’s such an, I don’t know, crude word. I like this ‘stud’ one better, whatever that means”. 

Tobin smiles and Alex smiles back at her. She rests her forehead on Tobin’s shoulder, running one finger down the seam of Tobin’s jeans. They’re torn at the knees, in total Tobin style, and it makes Alex weak. It is comforting - to know that time hasn’t corrupted all of these small details that Alex’s so fond of. 

“You’re gorgeous” Alex whispers. “Everything about you is so perfect. You have no flaws to me”. 

Tobin rests her cheek on top of Alex’s head and touches Alex’s palm with her fingers. Alex feels delirious, high, like she’s just swallowed down the best drugs mix ever made. She briefly touches Tobin’s golden ring, but then decides to steer away from it. Alex’s had many privileges in her life, but not everything is owed to her - Tobin’s and Christen’s relationship definitely isn’t. 

“When God made you, he made a miracle. You’re my miracle, Tobs” Alex sighs, sinking her nose in Tobin’s hair. “I never want to stop being in love with you”. 

Tobin’s lips brush against Alex’s ear. She says, “Let’s stay like this, then”. 

(Michelle, her therapist, one day asks her why she’s so invested in pursuing a friendship and a love that’s so cursed. Alex says, Because this is the good pain. It makes me stronger. Michelle tells her to elaborate, and so Alex does. 

She adds, “Loving someone and not being loved back is the worst thing that can happen to a person” she says. “I don’t think that’s my case, though. I know Tobin loves me. In another life, we are together and we are happy, and if in this life we can’t have that, then what we have right now is what I want. Tobin and I… we had our chance and we missed it, we both fucked up. I spent years of my life trying to repress the love I felt for her and it brought me to destruction but now-. Now I get it, I understand”. 

“What do you understand?” Michelle asks, taking her glasses off.

“I don’t think I can explain it” Alex says, honestly. “It’s like, the moment I stopped fighting this love I had, the moment I just drowned in it, in everything I feel for Tobin, letting it all go, I wasn’t in pain anymore. I wake up in the morning and I’m heartbrokenand a drug addict, but I’m not in pain anymore”.

Michelle puts her pen and notepad down on her desk and then she smiles.

“Alex” she says. “I think you’re ready”.

“For what?”.

“Moving on”).

When Jill calls to say that she would like it very much for Alex to come to camp for the National Team, Alex nearly drops her phone. She can’t speak, still on her feet in the middle of the kitchen, scaring the shit out of poor Sonnett who’s mixing celery and tomatoes in the blender. Alex stutters through her words as she says that of course she will be there and when she hangs up, Emily has to help her to the couch because Alex’s legs are shaking too much to keep her on her feet. After the initial shock, she tells Sonnett and in a matter of minutes they’re both dancing around and yelling and Emily is opening a bottle of Champagne that she’s pulled out of nowhere. Alex starts texting everyone and when the doorbell rings it’s Tobin and Christen who barge into the house, picking up Alex and swinging her around as if she weights nothing - and in that moments, Alex feels exactly like she does. She’s weightless, light as a feather. They run around the house, high on happiness and adrenaline, thanking the soccer Gods or whoever’s up there that’s most definitely looking after them or something and Alex has never been happier in her life. 

She flies to California a few days before camp’s meant to start to meet up with Ali, Ash, Kelley and Allie and spend a few days relaxing at the beach. Alex drinks orange juice and lays on the beach, working one her tan, with Christen right next to her, as Ash, Tobin and Kelley surf through the waves, Allie and Ali kicking a ball around. 

“Alex” Christen says, moving her sunglasses on top of her head. “Are you happy?”. 

Alex smiles. “Yeah. Kind of. Most days I feel like I’m totally out of control but it’s not bad, it’s-” she says. “I’m working on it”.

Christen nods, burying her feet in the hot sand. “I feel guilty, some times”. 

Alex frowns. “About what?”.

“Coming in between you and Toby”.

Alex sits up, crossing her legs, and turns to look at Christen. “You never have to” she stays, hoping Christen understands the importance of these words. “You pined after Tobin for so long. The way you looked at her, and the way you waited all this time for her to be ready… you’re a good person, Chris, and you deserve good things to be happening to you. You deserve all of the happiness in the world”. 

Christen nods, smiling a little. “She was so oblivious” she laughs. “She didn’t even see me”. 

Alex shakes her head. “No, she knew. When someone’s in love with you, you always know, and it’s up to you to decide what to do with it, if to embrace it or to let it go. Tobin wanted you just as much as you wanted her. She just didn’t know that you were what was good for her”. 

Christen places a hand in between Alex’s shoulder blades and smiles and as she does, her whole body is smiling, too. 

“Damn” she says. “When did you get so wise?”.

Alex laughs. “Should’ve heard what came out of my mouth when I was high” she jokes. “I sounded like fucking Gandhi”.

They laugh because it’s good and healthy to be laughing about the hard, painful and difficult things one’s gone through. The moment you can laugh about it, it means you’ve learned from your mistakes. 

Ashlyn and Tobin jog up to them, holding their boards, all wild and wet, boarding shorts sticking to their thighs and hair falling all over their shoulders and backs. 

“Hey you, girls” Tobin says. “Wanna come surfing with us?”. 

“No, thanks” Christen says smiling. “I’m gonna finish my iced coffee and then I’m gonna go play soccer tennis with Allie and Ali. Perhaps Alex wants to give it a try, though?”.

“No way” Alex shakes her head.

“Why not?” whines Ash. “Tobs here is a good teacher” she says, patting Tobin’s shoulder as the midfielder nods in agreement. 

“The last time Tobs put me on a surfboard I nearly drowned” Alex recalls. 

“Hey” Tobin says, kicking Alex’s foot. “It’s not my fault you have shitty balance”.

Ashlyn laughs and then extends her hand to Alex. 

“Come on, Baby Horse. It’s time to get back on the saddle” the goalkeeper says, and they both know that she’s not talking about surfing. At all. 

Alex takes Ashlyn’s hands and lets her friend pull her up on her feet. Ash wraps an arm around her shoulders and walks her down the beach. Then Kelley comes in like the wild animal she is and jumps on Alex’s back, making the forward lose her balance. Alex falls into the water and when she comes up for air, everyone’s laughing. Kelley gives Alex her surfboard and holds it steady as Alex climbs on. When Alex looks up at the beach, she finds Ali, Allie and Christen cheering for her, clapping their hands and shouting encouragements. 

Alex falls into the water a lot, but she also manages to master two full waves, in the end. When they get tired of surfing, they leave the surfboards on the shore and proceed to get engaged in an entertaining chicken fight. Alex’s on Kelley shoulders, trying to drive Tobin into the water. Too bad Ashlyn has a balance of steel and Alex nearly gets dislodged from Kelley’s shoulders twice. Eventually they get out of the water and join Allie, Ali and Christen. They divide into two teams and play scrimmage. Time passes slowly and soon it is sunset but none of them feels tired enough to go home. If Alex could, she’d stay here forever, playing soccer on the beach with her family, the one she chose. 

Tobin serves Alex a well placed ball and Alex attempts a header, which immediately gets stopped by Ashlyn.

“Ain’t nothing that can get past the mighty Ashlyn Harris, is it?” a voice says.

“No, sir” Ash replies, smiling, as she gets back on her feet. 

When Alex turns, she sees Servando standing right beside their makeshift goal post (Allie’s flip flops). 

“Serv!” Alex says, running into his arms. Serve catches her and spins her around. 

“Hello” Serv says. “Are you girls having a good game?”.

“Yeah, we’re crushing them” Tobin says, smiling. 

“No, you’re not, Harry. Shut up” Allie replies. 

Serv laughs, nodding. “Can I steal Alex for a little while?” he asks. 

“Sure” Ali nods. “We’ll just put Christen in her place”. 

“Harry _and _Christen in the same team?” Allie whines. “No way. Alex I command you to stay here”.

“Just let the poor girl go, Allie” Christen laughs. “I won’t go too hard on you, I promise”. 

As Alex walk away with Serv, she can still hear Allie complaining about fair play and injustice, and it makes her smile. She walks with Serv down the shore, her feet in the water, and she some times stops to pick up some weirdly shaped rock and to show it to Serva. The sky is bright with different shades of reds and oranges and the weather is still so warm. Alex feels so light and free. In two days she’ll be back to camp, training with her twenty-two best friends, and life couldn’t be more amazing. 

She hasn’t seen Servando in a while, and when she told him about being called for the National Team, he was so happy for her that Alex just felt so guilty for keeping this thing between them going on for so long that she decided it was time to make a decision. Before flying out to California she’s texted Serva to ask him if they could meet and now here he is. They sit down on some rocks, with their legs dangling into the water, enjoying the sunset. 

“I’ve spoken with my lawyer” Serva says. “The papers are ready. I sent them to your parents’ house. You just need to sign them”. 

Alex nods, biting her lip. “I will”. 

“Then, when you’re ready, we can start working on the divorce stuff” Serva adds, lowly. There’s pain in his voice, and resignation, but also hope for the future. 

Alex swallows, covering her face with her hands. Serve rubs her back and places his head on her shoulder. 

“It’s okay, Alex”.

Alex nods, grabbing his hand. She bites her lip. “I made you work a lot, didn’t I?”. 

Serva laughs. “Yes” he confirms. 

“And then I fucked it all up”. 

He sighs and repeats, “Yes”. 

“I’m sorry”.

Serva shrugs. “I should’ve fought harder fo you. It’s my fault, too”. 

“It wouldn’t have made a difference” Alex whispers. “What I did, to myself, to everyone, it’s unforgivable”. 

“But I do forgive you, Alex” Serva replies. “You’ve taught me much, about soccer and love and life. Now that we don’t cloud each other’s judgment anymore, I want to try and shine on my own”. 

Alex wraps her arms around Serva’s neck and brings their foreheads together. 

“Now that you’ve been traded to Los Angeles, we could see each other some times, if you want. As friends” Alex says.

Serva nods. “Of course. Let’s give each other some time to heal first, though, okay? We can keep texting”.

“Yes, I’d like that” Alex smiles, kissing his cheek, and then his lips in what’s their last kiss. Serva kisses her back. Alex is tying up all of her loose ends and this kiss is perhaps the sweetest of them all. She says, “I love you”.

Serva nods against her lips. “I love you, too”. 

They watch the sunset until the sun disappears at the horizon. The lamp posts come alive as Alex and Servando walk back to the rest of the girls, their hands briefly touching in between their bodies. 

The day before camp, Alex’s mom insist on having the small group over at the house for lunch before they have to leave. Alex’s father takes out the grill and they eat burgers and steaks and drink ice tea and laugh and joke with Alex’s sisters and their children. After the barbecue, they sit around the table in the backyard, exchanging stories and laughing over Alex’s silly baby pictures that of course Pam had to show around to everyone for the tenth time. Alex it’s red with embarrassment and drunk on love. 

“What is it that I’m drinking by the way?” Ash says at some point, frowning at her glass. “This stuff tastes funny”. 

They all keep silent until Kelley just can’t help herself anymore and bursts out laughing, holding her stomach with one arm and Allie’s arm with the other hand.

“Tobin boiled Gatorade” Christen deadpans.

Ashlyn’s face gets so pale Alex fears she might pass out, but the goalkeeper only spits the liquid she’s just drank back into the glass, pushing it away from her. 

“Now I get why no one was drinking” she says, shaking her head at Tobin who’s hiding her face into the neckline of her t-shirt, looking smug. 

Ali runs a hand through Ashlyn’s hair. “You’re so embarrassing” she mumbles. 

“Me?!” Ashlyn replies, throwing her hands in the air.

Pam comes back with more pictures, this time the ones they took that time Alex and a few teammates went to Disneyland and Alex managed to get herself banned for life. Even though it ended badly, it’s good memories, memories that remind Alex that perhaps her issues with alcohol have way deeper roots than she thought. Her mom then goes into full memory lane, recalling all of the team’s adventures and making them all laughs and it’s funny, at least until she starts gushing about the time Alex used to live in LA with Allie and Tobin, and then her times with the Thorns and living with Tobin, again, and listening and dancing to Taylor Swift in the backyard - with Tobin. Alex knows what her mother’s doing, trying to play matchmaker to get her daughter to get back together with her long lost lover. 

Alex hates it. There’s Christen sitting beside her and Alex feels so bad for her, she just can’t take it anymore. 

“Stop” she says, interrupting her mother in the middle of her story. “Please, stop”.

Christen grabs her hand under the table. She whispers, “It’s okay, Alex. It does’t hurt me”. 

“But it hurts me” Alex replies. She looks at her mother, who’s more confused than ever. “I know what you’re doing, mom, and you have to stop. You beat around the bush but you don’t have to because everyone here at this table knows exactly what I did, how I had sex with my best friend while I was engaged to another man and how I fucked everything up. There’s no need for trips down memory lane. We all remember everything very clearly”. 

Tobin scoots down on her seat, looking away from Alex’s mother and burying her face into her t-shirt, trying to make herself small. Alex knows that Tobin doesn’t like to be exposed like this, but she also knows that they’re not among strangers, here, and that Tobin will understand. In Tobin’s mind, Alex’s already forgiven. 

“We’re not going back to Disneyland, mom” Alex sobs a little, “And Tobin and I, we’re not going back to be roomies because Tobs already lives with someone - the woman she loves. They’re happy, and if they’re happy, I am, too”.

A few seconds it’s all it takes to connect the dots.

“Girls” Alex’s mom says, turning to look at Tobin and Christen, her eyes welling with tears. “I didn’t know”. 

“It’s alright” Tobin answers. “We only told the team and our families and… you’re family, too. When you called me to ask me to come visit Alex, after she got sick during the game, I wanted to explain, I wanted you to know, but I was still so hurt and upset about what had happened between Alex and I that-“.

“Tobs” Alex interrupts, looking at her friend. “You don’t have to explain yourself”. 

“No, you don’t” Pam repeats, nodding. She smiles. “I’m happy for you girls”. 

“Thank you, Pam” Christen says, smiling widely. 

There’s tension in the air, now, and Alex regrets that. She shouldn’t have brought this up. She should’ve just let her mother run her mouth. Luckily enough, God gifted them with Ashlyn Harris who just can’t keep her mouth shut. 

“So, we can’t go to Disneyland” she starts. “But we can go to the waterpark, right? There’s this new one that’s opening in Orlando, and I really want to try out the new slides”. 

Alex laughs. “Yes, we can go, Ash”. 

“You married a child, Krieger” Kelley giggles. 

“I know” Ali sighs, patting Ash’s arm. “Isn’t it time for your nap yet, you big baby?”. 

“I’ll show you who’s the big baby” Ashlyn says, shoving Ali and starting to tickle her. Ali laughs so hard she starts crying, trying to get Ashlyn off of her, pinching at her arms and sides but Ashlyn appears to be immune to that sweet torture. 

Alex throws her head back as she laughs, and stretches her arm over the couch’s back. Her fingers meet Tobin’s, behind Christen’s back. They look at each other and when Tobin smiles, full of love, Alex smiles back. 

The first day of training, Jill asks Alex if they can talk. The rest of the girls are already warming up and Alex is eager to join them but she knows that this conversation is long overdue. She made demands, before; she demanded to leave Orlando and to go back to Portland but she can’t demand anything of Jill. Now, it’s time to bow her head and just take it, whatever it is that’s coming her way. Alex finishes tying the laces of her cleats up and then follows Jill and they walk down the sideline. 

“Your doctors and Michelle say that you’re doing good” Jill says. “I want to know what you’re thinking”.

Alex nods. “It’s hard and this thing will stick with me for the rest of my life. It’s my cross to bear. I want to play, though. There’s nothing I want more”. 

“I won’t lie to you” Jill beings, “I know you’ve been working hard with the Thorns and in the gym but I’m not sure if I can have you starting right off the bat. I will try to give you minutes, though, and I firmly believe that your presence here is good both for you and the team’s dynamic”. 

Alex nods. “I know, Jill. If you can give me minutes it’s okay, but if you think I’m not strong enough yet, then that’s okay, too. Just being here it’s already everything to me”.

Jill squeezes her arm, encouraging her and that’s all it takes. Jill’s trust is enough. Alex trains harder than ever before. She sweats and runs after every possible ball, trying to make the most of every opportunity that comes her way. In the gym, she lifts and pushes herself to the maximum of her possibilities. At nights, when she goes back to her room, the one she shares with Allie, she’s so exhausted she finds it difficult to even move a limb but she doesn’t mind. It actually makes her smile. She’s always the first one up in the morning and the first one on the pitch. She kicks it around with Tobin, trying to outsmart her and some times Tobin lets her win and some times she doesn’t. When Alex tries to outrun Christen, they always end up falling to the ground, stumbling over their own feet and the ball. They hit the turf and then they break out laughing. It doesn’t hurt. Nearly a year ago, Alex couldn’t even run from midfield to the goal, her body too weak and aggravated by remorse, medications and withdrawal; now, Alex feels like she could run laps around the pitch forever, without even breaking a sweat. When she feels the need to pop some pills or have a whiskey or maybe ten, she just starts juggling with whatever ball she can find around and tries to think about something else. She thinks about the upcoming games and winning and doing the best she can and it works most of the times. 

Their first friendly is against Brazil. Alex is on the bench and she knows she won’t play at all but that’s fine.Pinoe, Christen and Tobin are all starting and Alex is so excited for them she’s not even slightly bothered by the fact that literally everyone on the bleachers and in front of the TV will be wondering what’s actually going on with the mighty Alex Morgan. Alex doesn’t care; she’s so free, nothing touches her anymore, not unhappiness nor the past and most definitely not people’s judgment. 

“Are you gonna score for your gal today, Tobs?” Pinoe jokes, in the locker room, winking at both Tobin and Christen.

“I only score for God, yo” Tobin promptly replies, sticking her tongue out at Megan.

“Fair enough, fair enough” Pinoe nods, wrapping her arms around Tobin’s waist and picking her up. Tobin ruffles Pinoe’s hair, briefly, before her feet are back on the ground. 

Pinoe puts her arm around Christen’s shoulder and says, “Come on lesbians, let’s go”, moving the whole group into the hallway. JJ, Crystal and Becky, in the back, both cheer and raise their hands in the air as Ali and Ash shake their heads, smiling. 

“Time to go earn that bread” Allie nods, rubbing Alex’s back. 

Alex’s about to join the rest of the players that won’t be starting, when someone grasps her wrist. It’s Tobin. Her hair is all pulled back in her usual ponytail and she’s bouncing back and forth on her cleats.

“I’m going to score for you, today” Tobin whispers, rubbing her thumb over Alex’s pulse point. 

Alex swallows. “Yeah? Like I scored for you that time?”.

Tobin nods. “Yes”.

“You don’t have to” Alex says, smiling. 

“I know” Tobin nods, licking her lips. “I want to”. 

They hug, briefly because Kelley is threatening to grab Tobin by the hair if she doesn’t get in line immediately, but it’s a good hug. Tobin’s already a little sweaty from the warm up and the summer’s heat and Alex holds her tightly as she hides her face in Tobin’s shoulder. She never wants to let go, but there’s a game to win and fans and families to make happy and proud and Tobin is essential in making all of these things happen. 

It’s a rough game. Marta is on fire and she gives everyone a hard time. There’s some fouls here and there and when Pinoe gets tripped pretty badly in her way to the goal, Alex’s heart nearly stops. Megan rolls around on the turf for a couple of times, holding her ankle, but then gets back up on her feet and soldiers on because this what they do: they endure. Two minutes out of halftime, Christen and Tobin work their magic. With a header, Christen puts the ball right into the back post and there’s nothing the Brazilian goalkeeper can do about it. Alex jumps up from her seat and wraps her arms around Franch and Allie, screaming her lungs out. In the pitch, Christen is all hands and eyes to she sky for her mother to see, as all of their teammates come around her, cheering and hugging her. Before falling back into her position, Christen turns to the sideline and catches Alex’s eyes. Christen smiles as she mouths, For you, and Alex smiles back at her and covers her face with her hands, too emotional to even form some kind of reasonable thought. 

In the second half, Brazil evens the score up. Ali gets tripped as she tries to stop the enemy forward and unfortunately the ball gets right past her and by the time Ash realizes what’s happened, the ball is already inside the goal. They keep the score even for the better part of the second half and Alex can see how frustrated Tobin’s growing. Outside the field, Tobin is the chillest person ever, wouldn’t even hurt a fly; in the field, she changes, turns into this killing machine, this beast that can’t be tamed, legs faster than lightening, unpredictable, and some times rage and frustration get the best of her, too. The thing about Tobin, is that she’s so good no one can do anything about it. In the end, she’s the one that scores the winning point. Brazil makes a mistakes and laves her completely alone and unmarked; Kelley passes her the ball and Tobin’s off, the entire pitch empty in front of her, the Brazilian goalkeeper her only obstacle. She dribbles and gets past two defenders, nutmegs another one and then kicks it. The ball flies right above the goalkeeper’s head and falls into the net. The whole stadium blows up. Tobin raises her arms in the air and jumps; she gets tackled by Kelley, Ali and Pinoe who hug her and press their foreheads to hers but Tobin’s having none of it. She high fives her teammates and then she’s off to the sideline, to Alex. And Alex’s waiting for her with open arms, exactly as Tobin did when Alex scored for her all those years, a lifetime ago. Tobin jumps on her and Alex catches her, holding her tightly.

She clutches at Tobin’s jersey. “You’re crazy” she says.

Tobin nods. “Maybe I am. Be crazy with me, Alex” she breaths out. 

Alex closes her eyes as her forehead makes contact with Tobin’s warm cheek. They can be crazy together. They can. They’ve already been doing this for years. Alex doubts they were ever normal. Normal doesn’t get to play like this, with these people. Only crazy can do that. 

They win and they earn their bread but there’s no time for distractions. The next game comes way too soon. They’re playing Canada and playing against Canada always means troubles and fouls and way too much nerve-breaking tension. For Tobin, Sonnett and Lindsey, it’s good to play with Sinc, even if they’re on opposite teams this time. Independently from who loses or wins, they’ll all be laughing about this when they’re back in Portland. It is, in fact, a physical game as usual, especially because Chapman doesn’t seem to be really able to play without trying to break someone’s ankles every two minutes. Alex’s on the bench again but she’s cheering as loud as she can, wanting her teammates to feel her unconditional support. Then, it happens. Pinoe gets tackled to the ground, hurting the same ankles she’d lightly sprained in the match with Brazil, and then next things Alex knows is that Jill’s telling her to get ready to sub in. Alex feels like she’s moving in slow motion. She hears the crowd cheering for her as she waits behind the sideline. She feels Megan’s arms holding her and whispering, You got this, in her ear, and then Alex Morgan is on the pitch. Her cleats step onto the turf as she jogs to her position, right in between Christen and Tobin where she belongs. She starts slow, assisting Tobin and Christen the best she can. In her mind, Alex doesn’t see herself scoring any goal, she doesn’t feel ready but the truth is that if the occasion comes, you can’t back out . Down in the pitch, life is different. There’s no time to be scared. And so, when Christen manages to steal the ball, Alex starts running parallel to her. Tobin’s too far behind; doesn’t matter how fast she can run, right now it’s only Christen and Alex and Alex is free. 

“Alex, up!” Christen yells. 

She kicks and the ball hits the air. It flies high but Alex thinks that she can get it. In the box, Alex jumps, and when the ball hits her head, Alex prays for the first time in years. She prays, and someone listens. For one second, Alex is deaf. When she opens her eyes again, all she can hear is the roar or the crowd and the loud cheering and screaming of the fans. The ball is in the net. Alex scored and Christine Sinclair is noddingin her direction, a little proud smirk painted on her face.

Alex falls to her knees. She falls, in the middle of the pitch, but this time her organs are not collapsing and her body is healthy, not filled up with alcohol and painkillers. She feels someone hug her from behind and hold her tightly and she immediately recognizes Tobin’s scent. All of her teammates, this makes shift family that she’s found all on her own, surround her, chanting her name and holding her as tightly as they can so that she can feel all the love, so that she can never feel alone again. Christen drops on her knees right in front of her and takes Alex’s face in her hands.

“You’re back!” Christen says, “Baby, you’re back”. 

Alex grabs a fistful of Christen’s jersey, scratching her collarbones a little, and pulls the forward to her - this woman who Alex tried so hard to hate and keep her distance from because she didn’t know what it really means to _love _and be loved back before Christen came along. She places a quick kiss on Christen’s lips, right there on her mouth where all the secrets are whispered and kept, and she does it right here, in front of a world that is totally oblivious to what actually happened in this field today, and she doesn’t care. 

Alex Morgan scores the only goal of the match and takes her team to victory and she cries and smiles and these tears, they’re tears of joy and pain and nostalgia for a past that she lost and that won’t ever come back - tears of life. 

Later, after all the pictures and interviews are taken and all the autographs are signed, Alex lays down on her back in the middle of the pitch, Christen and Tobin at her sides. They look up at the sky and the sky’s never been so close. 

“Hey, Stacy, look down at your daughter” Alex says, screaming her lungs out so that she can be heard. “She’s the best of the best”. 

“Yeah” Tobin tags along, clapping her hands. “We’re so lucky to have her”. 

Christen laughs and laughs and covers her face with her hands as she blushes a little. A few tears run down her cheeks but as long as she’s smiling, Alex won’t say anything about it. 

Alex sighs. She’s in a mood for jokes.

“We should have a threesome”. 

Christen laughs so loud they probably hear her back in Utah, too. Tobin shoves Alex a little. 

“Dude, I’m already gay and a Christian, there’s just so many rules I can break”. 

“I’m all for it” Christen says, shrugging. 

“What?” Tobin giggles. “Oh, man. Is this how’s gonna be from now on? My girlfriend and my best friend ganging up on me all the times?”. 

“That’s exactly how it’s gonna be” Christen replies. “Make peace with it”. 

Tobin laughs and rests with her hands behind her head. They lay in the sun, peaceful. Alex runs her hands over the smooth turf and over her clothes and clammy skin. She feels every single piece and joint of her body and it’s like she’s never been more aware. Everything feels different and better, the breeze, the warm rays of the sun, the sounds of the slowly emptying stadium. 

“Tobs?” Alex says, lowly. “Is this how it feels like, to be close to God? Like your whole body is made of pure light?”. 

Tobin turns on her side and so does Christen. They’re so close. Alex can feel every inch of their bodies, even if they’re not touching. 

“Yes” Tobin whispers, linking their pinkies together. “Yes, Alex. That’s how it feels”.

In September, Alex officially signs to come back with the Thorns. She signs a three years deal. There’s a press conference and all that. One of the girls in the team’s been meaning to move to Seattle to be closer to her family and so the trading goes more than smoothly. The same week, Alex and Servando exchange a few phone calls and they mutually decide to sell their old apartment in Orlando. Serva tells her he can ship all of her stuff to Portland but Alex decides to go on her own so that she can also spend some time with Ash and Ali. Alex wants to walks the floors of that house one last time, touch the walls that have witnessed her descending into darkness. 

One last hurrah, the final goodbye. 

Both Christen and Tobin come with her to the airport. Before Alex gets past the gate, Christen hugs her so tightly Alex can’t breath but she doesn’t let go either. Next, Christen steps back to give Tobin and her some privacy and Alex wants to tell her that she doesn’t need to, not anymore, that they’re all in this together now. Christen doesn’t look annoyed, though. She’s smiling and so Alex doesn’t say anything. 

Tobin’s in front of her, chewing some gum, wearing a white v-neck, jeans and sneakers, her hands in her pockets. She’s all shy and smiling under the comfortable cover of her snapback. 

“After that kiss stuff you pulled at the game, everyone now thinks that you and Chris are dating” Tobin says. 

“You should be thanking me” Alex replies, running a hand through her hair. 

“You’re trolling my fans, Alex. I’m the only one that can troll my fans”.

Alex laughs. “I’m sure you’ll find some other way to fool them. You’re really good at that - pranks”.

Tobin nods. Alex checks her watch. It’s nearly time to go. She looks at Christen standing behind Tobin’s shoulder. She’s asking for permission. Christen nods and her smile tells Alex not worry, to just go ahead. Alex gets closer to Tobin and takes Tobin’s cheeks in her hands. She presses her thumbs to Tobin’s lips. 

“Tobs. Do you love me?”. 

“I do” Tobin whispers. “Very, very much”. 

“Will you wait for me to come back?”. 

Tobin nods, nudging Alex’s cheek with her nose. “I always wait for you to come back”. 

Tobin’s lips find Alex’s forehead. Alex closes her eyes and Tobin does the same and they stay close like this, freezing this moment into their minds, making new good memories as they’ve promised. 

“I’ll see you soon” Alex says. 

“Okay” Tobin nods.

Alex waves one last time at both Christen and Tobin and then walks through the airport’s gate, clutching her beg tightly in her hand. She doesn’t look back. She boards her flight to Orlando with only a few minutes of delay and on this plane that will take her away from Portland once again, this time only temporarily, Alex wonders if she will everbe able to talk about this particular time of her life, if she will ever find the words to describe what it felt like; she tells herself that if she doesn’t find them, then she’ll make them up, whatever it takes. Here on this plane full of people and expectations, Alex Morgan thinks that yes, there’s no hope, no love and no glory among winners, but there is redemption, and after so much sorrow and sufferance, redemption sounds like a good enough happy ending. 

It sounds like a new chapter - a fresh start. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I can't thank you all enough. As a foreign speaker, you guys can't understand how important it is and how happy it made me to see people read and appreciate my work. It means the world, really. I hope you all had a good read and enjoyed the story. 
> 
> I love you and support you all <3
> 
> Ciao!
> 
> P.S. If you guys want to come say hi (or insult me, no biggie, really), you can find me [here](https://prentissguns.tumblr.com/). I'm always up for a chat.


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